A glimpse within

"The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision."
--Helen Keller


Ahh Helen Keller, I love that quote from her. Her and I are in many ways a part of the same world. A world that to others is never thought of or is easily forgotten about. Helen Keller is one of the smartest and most intriguing writers that i have ever read. I think it is because i feel her and i get here, probably because i have been there. She had it tougher then me. But i understand. Alot of people see me and can't tell there is anything wrong with me. They can't look at me and tell that i have a bum eye, or that i can't really see to walk at night. I try not to let it get in the way of the things i do, or in the way of my job, and call me prideful but i hate asking for help because of my eyes more then anything. I think it is because i hate admitting there is anything that i can't do. I think that's why i like helen keller so much. Nothing held her back or got in her way. She had hardships and had many things that could have caused her to give up and give in, but she kept on going.

I wish i were only as deterined as she is. She wasn't afraid of who she was yet here i am always getting embarrassed when people ask y i don't drive. And i have to tell them that i have horrible eyes. Each time i had surgery i would get all excited, thinking that maybe that surgery would give me full vision. That i would know what it's like not to see 2 of everything all the time. To be able to drive a car and not have to depend on other people to come get me, or not spend time with them. Or to just be normal, and enjoy things like the stars at night, or going for a walk at night to clear my head. I can't do these things. I don't know what it's like to see the stars, to lay on your back and enjoy them, because the few times i have been able to see them i had to squint so hard..i hated it. I can't go for walks at night like i use to love doing because, i might fall or hurt myself now. And yet here i am going to honduras. On an adventure that only God could provide.

I know how much Helen Keller suffered, as one who has been there. But i also know the joy, of being able to do things people never thought you could do. I know the value of sight, and of insight. I know the value and how precious it is from the perspective of someone who has lost it several times, and as someone whom has been forewarned that they may loose it again. I have known the dependence i have needed to have on others, for rides, and at times for guidance on dark nights. And have also felt the pain of falling down stairs, when led the wrong way, and the pain of falling when noone is there to help guide me or lead me. But i know above all things the sheer joy, of A Savior, who leads me to places and into circumstances i never before would have dared to venture into. And i know just as Helen Keller clearly did, that " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Jesus, is not only my sight, but He is my vision for this world and My prayer for my family and my friends. Though i may struggle with my physical blindness, my heart can see, HE who is greater then all things, for HE has created all things.

Perfect Christianity

Perfect Christianity
Heather Jo Trombly


Perfect Christianity, I smile, You smile
We pretend to care at least for a while
I love You, or so i say
Yet mumble just the opposite, as i walk away.

I pray every morning, me and Jesus, we're tight
But i dare not admit that my spouse and I fight.
I attend church and bible study too
And see people straving, and leave them with a "I'll pray for you"

The new age pharisees, you and I
We claim to love Jesus, but He is someone our actions deny
I love Jesus with all my heart and soul,
But look to money to make me whole

Perfect Christianity, a fascade for all to see
A holy life dedicated to, it's all about me
Show me a perfect Christian, I'll show you a twisted lie
Because noone is perfect except the GOD we deny.

Letting Go

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown


I read this quote and it totally spoke to my heart. I have come to the realization that not only am i stubborn ( in case you hadn't already figured that out), but i am not one that easily lets go of things. I have a tendency to cling to my past and have for sometime now let it govern me. I think i took to seriously the never give up line that some of us were taught as kids. God has been speaking to my heart a whole lot about letting go recently. I have been holding on to so many things out of fear that the unknown may not be safe. It's good to learn from the lessons in life, it is wrong to let those cicumstances in which you have come out of control you. My fear of letting go has cripled me many ways in the past, and i see how it has affected me even now as i sit here writing this. I can here my mothers voice resounding in my head right now saying" quiters never prosper." I can hear her reminding me that if i ever gave up i'd just end up a loser. And so i let this mindset of never giving up, or giving in control me, in so many aspects of my life. I think it's time i let go of the survivor attitude i was taught so that i can no longer survive but enjoy life as i have been blessed with an amazing one.

Going to Honduras is a big step for me. It is one that has not been easily taken and has been met with some great adversity. Everyone has an opinion, but God's is most important to me. He comes first in my life, and i'm going to follow Him. Honduras is a big stretch for me. Because it not only means letting go of my comfort zone here in comfy cozy america it means letting go and trusting God with some very big things in my life. From family and friends to my job, and my coworkers. But it also means letting go of the fears i have from my past.I need to trust God with my family that HE will keep them safe. That;s not easy for me at all.But it's what i need to do. But not only is God speaking to my heart about Honduras, there are other things as well.

One imparticular is a relationship i have had on and off with a guy for like 9 years now. Every single person in my life pretty kuch knws the on going drama of ambrose and i. One minute i lve him, then he's a jerk and i wish he would fall off the planet, and then the next i realzie there seems to be a void in my life without him. We fight, we laugh, we cry, as he says we're just us. About a month ago i told ambrose that we can't even be friends anymore. It broke my heart to say that more then anyone can even understand.Nine years is a long time, and even though we weren't officially together with a label lately..we were still acting like the sort without the label. But i needed to let go. I told him i can't be with him, without a label, and i can't be friends with him. Either he is serious or he's not, i can't and won't spend my life waiting for him anymore. I have seen him since then, at mirasol's and have stuck to my guns, because i know that i need to let go. He doesn't want to loose me, but i have told him there's really nothing left to say. I see him i cry, he calls me, i feel like i'm dying inside. But sometimes there just comes a time, where eventually you grow up and you need to let go. I don't know what is going to happen with me and ambrose but i can say it breaks my heart to think of not having him in my life, after all he and i have been through. But i need to let go. I hope he and i end up together at some point, because i honestly love him with all of my heart, but it's not for now. He has a choice to make just like i do, either i hold on to the past or i grab hold in anticipation for what God has for my future. I have finally let him go, and given this whole thing to God.

It's not easy, neither is going to Honduras. But I know God has it, and that is a wonderful place to be, in the arms of my father trusting Him and leaning on Him, fully dependant on Him to carry me through each and every day. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go, but you'll never move forward if your chained down and controled by your past. I love Ambrose, but i love God, more. I love being here with my family, but i love God and desire to serve HIM even more. He is not my crutch as i once told my sister HE is my life support, and it is about time i start living that out.

There are other things and other people that i know i need to let go of, and are going to be very hard on me. But if i claim that Jesus is MY LORD AND SAVIOR, how can anyone or anything over what HE has told me to do. It's going to hurt me to let go, at some point, but like the quote above says....

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

I will follow

So i've been reading this book lately and it depicts perfectly how i've been feeling surrounding many of the events that are or have taken place in my life lately. The author depicts quite well many of my emotions and feelings quite well so i am just going to write an excerpt from the book and let you all ponder it for yourselves.


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Whatever form each of our intimate adventures has taken in our fantasies, or in " real life," this Sacred Romance is set within all of our hearts and will not go away. It is the core of our spiritual journey. Any religion that ignores it survives only as a guilt-induced legalism, a set of propositions to be memorized and rules to be obeyed.
Someone or soemthing has romanced us from the beginning with creek-side singers and pastel sunsets, with austere majesty of snow capped mountains and the poignant flames of autumn colors telling us of something or someone leaving with a promise of return. These things can, in an ungaurded moment, bring us to our knees with longing for this something or someone who is lost;someone or something only our heart recognizes. C.s. lewis knew this longing well:

Even in your hobbies, has there no always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of- something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through,the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap clap of water against a boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet a human being who has some inkling ( but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for,listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been hints of it - tantilizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself-you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say" Here at last is the thing i was made for." We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unapeaseable want, the thing we desired before we even met our wives, or made our friends, or chose our work, and which shall desire on our deathbeds, when mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are this is. If we lose this, we lose all.


Indeed Art, literature, and music have all portrayed and explored the Romance, or its loss, in myriad scenes, images, sounds, and charectors,that nonetheless speak to us out of the same story. The universality of the story is the reason Shakespeare's plays, even thought they speak to us from pastoral setting in England acroos 400 hundred years of time, speak so eloquently and faithfully that they are stillperformed on stages from Tokyo to New York City.
It is as if someone has left us with haunting in our inner heart stories that will not go away; nor will it allow itself to be captured and ordered. The Romance comes and goes as it wills. And so we are haunted by it.

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Sometimes people will never get me. I guess that's something i need to accept. Maybe that's what God is trying to teach me. Who is my master the people in my life or Him. I think that's it. I work so hard at times to just feel like people somewhat get me. Maybe just maybe this is God saying..heather i got you. I have you, your mine. I know where God wants me, and i know what He wants me to do. He is my master, and i WILL follow HIM. I struggle with wanting people to take me serious, to care about what i say, sometimes all i need is to hear someone say they are proud of me, and i think God is teaching me that He is proud of me, it doesn;t matter how many people think that my heart might not be right. God knows my heart. He is my head and my authority. He has provided so much so far, why would i wander from His path to follow men? I won't. I know my shepherd's call, i have heard from Him, and He is who i will follow.I leave you with this verse.

Galatians 1:10
10Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

So glad

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Lots of things piling up on me, and me being a woman and being emotional i was getting frustrated. Frustrated that there always seems to be a catch to things, or so it appears to others. There always has to be the process of beating around the bush, the process of determining if something is "God's Will?" I just don't get why everything is a process. Why can't it just be this is it and that's it? That's what i like..realness, not big words that mean nothing to me, or rehearsed speeches. Just call it like you see it. That's what Christ did, if we're little Christs or 'christians" why is it that we feel the need to sugar coat things? Ughhh! Ok i'm done with my rant.


I found out last night that two of the guys i grew up with were shot. One of them is dead, the other is in icu in boston. More gang violence taking the lives of kids. This stuff really gets to me. They were both young men who were very smart, they just used their intelligence to enhance the drug trade rather then their education. It hurts me to hear of so many kids getting caught up in this lifestyle, not because i look at them as someone who hasn't been there. I have been there, and i've come out the other side. I was talking to one of my boys last night, that i use to hang out with alot. We use to hang on the block, ride for each other and be real with one another. He's still caught up in the game. Live by the gun die by the gun. It breaks my heart to know that these guys, have no hope. I didn't know what to say to him. I've been out of that lifestyle for so long that sometimes i forget that this is their only hope and their only reality.

Me being a born again christian was brought up. I kind of froze because i wasn't sure what to say to this young man who just lost one of His best friends, and could quite possibly be loosing another very soon, if kercheif doesn't make it out of icu. I told Him there's a better life out there, that I'm living it, and He told me you don't understand u were a gurl in our hood. Nobody messed with you like the messed with us. We either carry or we die. He's tried to get out of the life, but once your in, your in. I told Him God is bigger then people, and HE told me he knows that. Because if people had their way He'd already be dead. God is the reason He's made it to 22. I'm scared for them, and i pray for them. But that's about all i can do.

I didn't sleep much last night after my convo with him. I prayed, I read, but nothing was easing the hurt that i felt for the families, and their friends. I have known these young men since they were in jr high, the ones that got shot, my brother chad knew them real well. My heart aches for new bedford, for it's youth, for all youth. I hope Christ comes back soon. Or that He at least puts an end to this no snitching policy, before more of the guys ive grown up with end up dead. The kids wake isn't even safe to go to, because there's always a chance of retaliation. It's just sad..real sad. I still can't believe boodha and kerchief got shot..i can't believe hood gossip is saying they had to do with stuff that went down on new years eve. Why does this keep happening and when is all this hate going to end?

I'm glad that God has brought me out of the lifestyle that has claimed the lives of so many of the people i've grown up with. I'm glad that He has given me a new life, but i still have a burden for the kids, who think life is all about getting money. I cry for them and i hurt for them, as well as their families.