For all of you who thought i disappeared

I am trying to post more frequently now. I think it's more because i have the time to or more likely, i actually have the desire to write back once again. i am reading a book these days that is truly challenging me, it is called after the heavy rain. It is about a man whose family was killed in the killing fields of cambodia. It is hard to read not because it's not interesting but because it is greatly challenging. This man reunites himself with the brutal murders of the khmer rouge and presents each one with a shirt, a friendship scarf, and a bible telling them that he forgives them. It is truly amazing. It has challenged me greatly with my own personal life. I think everyone would benefit from reading it as we all harbor unforgiveness in one area of our life or another.

Otherwise life has been pretty relaxed for me. God is teaching me and guiding me, stretching me and yet blessing me through it. I have witnessed some pretty amazing things this past week and i look forward toi expirence even more. God is good. Many things are happening and as i reported in an earlier post..God is moving.

God is moving

It's funny how God totally can you take you on an adventure and you not be expecting to meet HIM there and then poof out of nowhere, bang there HE is. I have been praying for the neighborhood for a very long time, since i got saved actually. And who would have thought that God would bring me there last night to see my prayers being answered right in front of me. It was nuts, and yet soo amazing. To see HIM working, and guiding, And ANSWERING MY PRAYERS i have been praying all this time. Every little trial overcome is just another reminder of how HE never leaves us or forsakes us..

It's been a while

It's been probably about a month since i last posted, i been kinda going through things that have truly been hard and eventful to say the least.But God is good even in this. For some time i have been struggling with some very hard to explain things. Not just emotions but so many other things that can not merely be described by emotions. Everyone seems to have their own take on the things that i have been going through. Some advice i have heard is just trust the Lord, or the first questions always asked is how is your walk with God, or you need to see a christian counselor, or so many other things. I appreciate everyone wanting to help me in this way, but my walk with God, is fine. I don't want to see a christian counselor. Mainly because i'm not sure they will listen to me, and what i am saying rather then judge me by their own convictions. I think i have a better chance explaining the things happening to me to someone who isn't biased by christiandom, because to be honest, sometimes it's easier to talk to people who just want to hear you rather then fix you. Right now i need people. I need people to call me because they miss me, i need to feel like i matter..to someone out there. Not because i am writing it in a blog but because it is real. Not because someone wants to take me on as a mission, or someone who needs fixing. I need to be reminded that i matter. Because i feel like if i hadn't had someone call people to tell them i was sick in the hospital no one would have known, because i don't hear from people. Saying to someone i thought of you today, is much different then picking up a phone and saying hey let me pray with you, or let me let you know i was thinkin of you. i try to do that for people, i like making people feel like they matter. I guess that why it hurts me soo much when i don't recieve the same as i enjoy giving to others. This is not a cry for attention by the way, this is me being honest and me being real. This is me saying i need people. I need love. I don't want to guilt anyone to giving a crap, but i am trying to make people see that if i didn't feel like such a burden or be made to feel like a burden i would actually tell people when i'm hurting. I am trying to explain, why i act the way i do, and why no one knew how i was doing. You didn't know because you didn't ask. You didn't know because you didn't want to know. If there is something i want to know i ask..ask, it might actually get you answers. Reading a blog or a post on someone's blog is just taking the effort or work out of actually caring and loving someone. Loving and caring about others isn't easy, it's work, it's sacrifice, it means going out of your way sometimes not because you feel like you have to, but because you want to. If you call me because you feel guilty don't waste your time. If you only have me over to feel better about yourself then i rather not be invited. But if you really do care and you really want to be there, then make the extra effort to call me. You never know how much a phone call can matter to someone who feels lonely. Below is a poem i wrote last night hopefully it gives you a glimpse into me and where i am at... It's called Heather's Psalm



Heather's Psalm
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Do you know what it’s like to sit on a bed, in a place you don’t know
And be expected, to let all of your brokenness and emotions show.
Do you know what it’s like to see things, that torment you, from years past
Praying to God that they won’t, that HE won’t let them last.

Do you know what it’s like to let people in, when you want to run and hide
Being forced to face the things that hurt worst, about which you’ve for hours cried
Do you know how it feels, to hurt yourself, to make yourself bleed
Because your afraid to seem like someone in need.

This is me, the person from which I try run
Because I don’t want to hurt, I want to be happy and fun.
Hidden for years, these are my pains from deep within
Is this because of mine or my parent’s sin?

If you know please tell because I would love to hear
How on earth I can stop being tortured by my mind and my fear.
Welcome to a glimpse into a world of confusion, of highs and lows
Where insecurity and flashbacks seem to continuously flow.

How long till I am somehow, someway, finally free
Free to be happy to live a normal life, to finally love me
How long Oh God, Till you make me well
Because I am tired of waking up in what seems like living hell?

I know You, My God, are capable of healing me, healing my mind
I know that You, Oh God, are the greatest counselor I will ever find.
I know that in all of this, You will somehow be glorified
But Lord, Your Strength, Power, and Healing is something I’ve never denied.

I need You to carry me, because I can’t do this alone
I need You, Lord, to be closer then the person on the other end of the phone.
I need You, every hour, every single day
Because You are my life support, in every way.