So glad

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Lots of things piling up on me, and me being a woman and being emotional i was getting frustrated. Frustrated that there always seems to be a catch to things, or so it appears to others. There always has to be the process of beating around the bush, the process of determining if something is "God's Will?" I just don't get why everything is a process. Why can't it just be this is it and that's it? That's what i like..realness, not big words that mean nothing to me, or rehearsed speeches. Just call it like you see it. That's what Christ did, if we're little Christs or 'christians" why is it that we feel the need to sugar coat things? Ughhh! Ok i'm done with my rant.


I found out last night that two of the guys i grew up with were shot. One of them is dead, the other is in icu in boston. More gang violence taking the lives of kids. This stuff really gets to me. They were both young men who were very smart, they just used their intelligence to enhance the drug trade rather then their education. It hurts me to hear of so many kids getting caught up in this lifestyle, not because i look at them as someone who hasn't been there. I have been there, and i've come out the other side. I was talking to one of my boys last night, that i use to hang out with alot. We use to hang on the block, ride for each other and be real with one another. He's still caught up in the game. Live by the gun die by the gun. It breaks my heart to know that these guys, have no hope. I didn't know what to say to him. I've been out of that lifestyle for so long that sometimes i forget that this is their only hope and their only reality.

Me being a born again christian was brought up. I kind of froze because i wasn't sure what to say to this young man who just lost one of His best friends, and could quite possibly be loosing another very soon, if kercheif doesn't make it out of icu. I told Him there's a better life out there, that I'm living it, and He told me you don't understand u were a gurl in our hood. Nobody messed with you like the messed with us. We either carry or we die. He's tried to get out of the life, but once your in, your in. I told Him God is bigger then people, and HE told me he knows that. Because if people had their way He'd already be dead. God is the reason He's made it to 22. I'm scared for them, and i pray for them. But that's about all i can do.

I didn't sleep much last night after my convo with him. I prayed, I read, but nothing was easing the hurt that i felt for the families, and their friends. I have known these young men since they were in jr high, the ones that got shot, my brother chad knew them real well. My heart aches for new bedford, for it's youth, for all youth. I hope Christ comes back soon. Or that He at least puts an end to this no snitching policy, before more of the guys ive grown up with end up dead. The kids wake isn't even safe to go to, because there's always a chance of retaliation. It's just sad..real sad. I still can't believe boodha and kerchief got shot..i can't believe hood gossip is saying they had to do with stuff that went down on new years eve. Why does this keep happening and when is all this hate going to end?

I'm glad that God has brought me out of the lifestyle that has claimed the lives of so many of the people i've grown up with. I'm glad that He has given me a new life, but i still have a burden for the kids, who think life is all about getting money. I cry for them and i hurt for them, as well as their families.