Back to the Essence

Friday was our worship service, and let me tell you i could feel the presence of God there. I felt surrounded by His Mercy, His Grace, His Love and His Forgiveness. I could hear Him speaking directly to me, to my heart. And I, I cried out to God in a way of utter dependence upon Him, for strength, perseverance, and for guidance. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know where God will have me to be doing next week never mind next year. All i do know is that I am Nothing without Him. This seems so much of one of those things everyone says to each other in christiandom, but it is now just something that comes out of my mouth. I have seen who I am, when i take my eyes off Christ, and God offers soo much more to me, why would i seek out to fit in within the world, when that's not what i called to do. I am to be in the world, not of the world. I will tell you from expirence it is a very fine line, that easily can be crossed. As i have tripped over it, and at times jumped over it for i took my eyes off the only One who will fill the holes in my heart. I yearn for acceptance, i yearn for belonging, i desire to be a part of something bigger something better then what i was brought up in. I have looked to people to include me, to adopt me, and every time i have been let down, and hurt badly. In some ways the pain of rejection still pierces me deep within daily. But that is something i need to keep giving to Christ. Every hurt, Every tear, Every moment of brokenness i need to present before the throne of my God. The essence of all that I am is to be a living sacrifice to the One who created me. I will fall, i will be hurt, but Christ has defeated satan, why would the task of me having the desire to be part of something bigger be hard for Him to achieve. He has called all of us to something bigger then we could ever imagine.

Alot of times i try to put on a facade. I feel more comfortable looking tough, and never looking vunerable. Because being vunerable means i just might get hurt. But i have come to the realization where i don't need to pretend anymore. I don't need to act like I am indestructable. Because God gave me feelings and God himself had emotions, that He showed, in a healthy way. I am learning many things. God is working within my heart, and I am glad to be back to where God is everything i need in this life.