If only i could explain

I wish i could begin to explain to all that has been going on within me lately, but there is too much to explain. I have been broken yet fixed, i have been apathetic, while also being sympathetic. It's hard to explain to those on the outside who have no idea what it's like to wake up and not be sure what is going to happen to you that day. Whether you will be bouncing off walls, or stay in your apartment with the windows closed and the lights off not answering the phone to anyone. Everyday this is my reality. Not because i choose it to be, but because it is. It scares me, greatly. And as much as i would like to let all of you in on what is going on in my life what truly is the point of doing so, because, you truly won't understand. Everyone seems to have answers for me, but noone knows what it's like to walk in these shoes. And yet there is one whom has been through much greater things then i ever have or ever will go through. Christ understands my ramblings and Christ understands that i am not dwelling on my past, He is where I'm getting my strength to get through day by day. And though in many ways i am questioning many things, I do not question that He is here with me. I do not question that right now He is within me guiding me and strengthening me, and carrying me through. I have learned many things about depending fully on God recently, and every day i am realizing that my salvation and my walk with God is just that, MINE. I know where I'm at and God knows exactly where I am at. HE knows my motives, and HE knows my heart's desires. And that truly is what matters. I know the Word not only knowledge wise, but it is written deep on the tablet of my heart. Though I am far from perfect i know that i am forgiven because Christ has stood in the gap for me, just like He has done for all people. He wants us to be reconciled to Him, and once we are there is no unreconciling us. I am so blessed to know that..Let us stand firm in the Word, The Truth, In CHrist.