Trying to be positive...

Yesterday was such a high low day. High as in the concert at umass was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Hearing the spanish music brought me back like i was in Honduras again. Man i really really miss it there. The band was great, lots of energy, as most spanish anythings! It was a lot of fun. And then something kinda like getting a kick in the stomach happened. I found out someone very close to me is sick. Sick not as in a cold sick, but sick as in could die sick. Now i have a lot of faith usually, and i believe God can do miracles, in fact i know He can, that is if He wants to. That is where i struggle where i get confused, where i hurt. It is hard to digest that someone is sick, it is even harder to digest that God may not heal them, despite how much you pray, despite how much you want them to be healed. I went through this with my dad. I prayed everyday for God to heal him, not just once a day, but i spent most of the day praying. But He didn't heal my dad. Yet there have been many people that God has healed. Now someone close to me, one of my close friends is sick. And i am wrestling, wrestling about what to say to God, wrestling with what to say to her, wrestling about how to even react. I have never been in her situation. I have never been sick as bad as she is. I've been sick with my own stuff, but that is long over, except for the mental issues. But this is different. Very different. What do you say to someone who is 20, and is sick. What do you say to someone who's medcine makes them feel worse but is suppose top help them? God has a plan for your life..to end it? God loves you, even though ur extremely sick and only a kid? Or how about God's gonna work this for good, by taking you? I'm sorry if i don't seem optimistic, but after you loose person after person, after person, eventually it is suppose to numb you. It's doing the opposite to me, it is making me want to be the one gone instead. It is making me, want to say screw this, and run as far away as possible, i don't want to loose someone else.

challenged

I recently started a bible study called living in light of the gospel story. As i did the first week's lesson i was extremely challenged and blessed. As i read through it the first story was the story of two lost sons which totally has shed some light on things for me. I have been struggling alot with my own will and God's will for me. What i want and what God wants. And though i am sure everyone in the world will have "answers" for me as they always do. Sometimes it would be nice if people actually heard what i was saying rather then feeling the need to out their own twist on it. As I was saying nate and i started doing a study together. Which is really cool. I haven't been to a bible study in a while because i haven't really been feeling it but this study is different. I got tired of bible studies that were all about theology and not about what we can do here and now to apply what we learn to our lives.

So the study i'm doing is basically living out the fundamentals of christianity. I am being trained basically to be able to do the study with a small group. It's very challenging and it totally helps you to see things in perspective. The questions are deep, and real. They have challenged me, and it's only the first chapter. As i was saying the first chapter/section is about the father's love for us. Which is sometimes a touchy subject for me. Because it's hard to trust a God that hasn't really protected you from all the stuff i have been through. Father's are suppose to protect their daughters, yeah so like i said it's hard for me.

I'm excited about the study though. Excited that it's going to be something real, not necessarily easy, but real. I'm looking forward to seeing where this will go and where this may end. I'm glad to be challenged and relieved to have someone that i truly trust to be doing it with me, and training me up to teach it. I'm glad that i have made the choices i have made in the last few months. Though it was hard for me to leave my other church, because i honestly and truly love every single person there. I miss all of them greatly, even the personalities that sometimes made it hard for me. I miss the kids especially. But where i am now, is challenging me, and they also see the heart i have for sharing the gospel and for also teaching others. It's truly a blessing to be where i am, not that where i was wasn't a blessing, but that was a season in my life. A season that i was scared to move out of, but i knew i had to. There were things that hurt me, lots of things, but i truly believe God allowed those things to happen to move me on. Like i said i love everyone there and miss them greatly.