Torn

Here I am, kinda sitting here trying to make a decision. It's not a life changing decision but at some point it could be. I'm pretty torn. I have met a really nice guy who really likes me, he's sweet. He's funny, even made a rap video with me..lol. Great sense of humor and everything. He's great. But i'm not in love with him. Then there's this other guy. Who i have dated back and forth so many times, and it never seems to work out. We fight, we argue, but we love eah other without doubt. Most of my friends dislike him because of the things he's put me through. While all of my other friends like the other guy.

But how do you let go, of someone who is always just been there. A person, who you can hate and love both at the same time? I kow common sense says pick the one who treats me like royalty. But my heart says otherwise. why is life sooooo dang hard to decipher? I want God's will not my own..but how do i know which is which?

New Transitions

So it's a new year, a new transition, to embark upon, a new beginning. Everyone stresses New Beginnings with the new year. Me, I'm really at a point in my life where the rubber need to meet the road. I want to write, yet i keep my writing, my stories, my dreams to only those whom i know personally. I dream but seldom do i act, unless I am pushed and forced to act, or called out on it. Then to prove others wrong I act. Well, I want this year to be different. I want to make my dreams come true, because well, it's time.

So i have been spending quite sometime writing and working on my book. Life it seems is either going to on going with or without me, and i'm ready to go with it at this point. I have a new apt, some new friends, a new church, it seems a new life. Leaving behind the past and moving on with the new. Not forgetting those in my past for i have learned many many things from the people in my past. But I am ready to start my life. And to be who i am. This may offend people, I'm actually sure that it will offend people. And you know at this point, i have come to the conclusion that i do not live my life for other people. And their opinions don't matter. My heart before God is what matters. Though I love people very much, i do not need to surround myself with negativity. So if my blog offends you i want to apologize ahead of time. Because i can not live in the "bubble" or "mold" people have been trying to stuff me into. It's not me, and it's not who i am. If you are going to reply to my blog with a lecture or something that will come acroos in a condemning way, don't comment. Because I'm not writing your blog, I am writing mine. I am writing a blog filled with raw real emotion. Some people can't handle that. If that is you, I'm sorry if i offend you, but please take this as being forewarned, that it might occur.

On to important things.. My life has been quite..interesting lately. I found myself in a relationship with someone for about 7 months. I fell for this person, and was actually happy, but most would have deemed it as an ungodly relationship. God knew and still knows my heart. The realtionship has ended, yet the feelings and emotions are still there. Though i want more then anything to still be in that relationship, i knew that it was heading towars a not so good place. After many tears, the loss of friendships, and after much ridicule the relationship ended. God's plans are greater then my own and i know He knows what is best for me. I started the new year off single, which is hard, but as I said God is bigger, then I am.

After moving from my apt on spring street, i moved into an apartment with a friend, until i got the apt that I am in now writing this blog entry. My new apt is beautiful, spacious and truly a blessing from God. As i live here with low rent, and in the nicest place i myself have ever lived, I look back at all the roads God has brought me down. Where He has brought me from and I look eagerly to where He will bring me in the future. I look eagerly to going back to Honduras at some point because i no without a doubt God is calling me back there. But in HIS timing. Last January I knew where i was suppose to be and once again I know without a doubt where I am being called to. I was told when i first came back that everyone goes through a faze of being very excited about going on a trip but it dies out after time. Well let me tell you something, i know where God is calling me.

I also have been blessed to have gotten a lot closer to my family over the past year. Family always has its ups and downs, but i am blessed to have an amazing older sister, who has truly been there for me through this past year, when it seemed many people walked out on me. She was there to push me, to help me and to encourage me. And i'm so thankful for that. My nieces already had my heart but after seeing them come to my defense when i was wrongly treated i will never doubt their love for me or their loyally to me again. I truly love them with all my heart.

I'm also attending a new church, that has a lot of ministries dealing with and helping the homeless. Which i also have a heart for. I love the church and the Word is preached in all it's real and rawness. I also was asked to join their worship team playing drum. Another answered prayer. God has been doing many great things this year. He is teaching me and molding me while at the same time stretching me in many many ways. I am looking forward to the months ahead.

so there it..tha's my update..i hoe everyone is doing well.

Trying to be positive...

Yesterday was such a high low day. High as in the concert at umass was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Hearing the spanish music brought me back like i was in Honduras again. Man i really really miss it there. The band was great, lots of energy, as most spanish anythings! It was a lot of fun. And then something kinda like getting a kick in the stomach happened. I found out someone very close to me is sick. Sick not as in a cold sick, but sick as in could die sick. Now i have a lot of faith usually, and i believe God can do miracles, in fact i know He can, that is if He wants to. That is where i struggle where i get confused, where i hurt. It is hard to digest that someone is sick, it is even harder to digest that God may not heal them, despite how much you pray, despite how much you want them to be healed. I went through this with my dad. I prayed everyday for God to heal him, not just once a day, but i spent most of the day praying. But He didn't heal my dad. Yet there have been many people that God has healed. Now someone close to me, one of my close friends is sick. And i am wrestling, wrestling about what to say to God, wrestling with what to say to her, wrestling about how to even react. I have never been in her situation. I have never been sick as bad as she is. I've been sick with my own stuff, but that is long over, except for the mental issues. But this is different. Very different. What do you say to someone who is 20, and is sick. What do you say to someone who's medcine makes them feel worse but is suppose top help them? God has a plan for your life..to end it? God loves you, even though ur extremely sick and only a kid? Or how about God's gonna work this for good, by taking you? I'm sorry if i don't seem optimistic, but after you loose person after person, after person, eventually it is suppose to numb you. It's doing the opposite to me, it is making me want to be the one gone instead. It is making me, want to say screw this, and run as far away as possible, i don't want to loose someone else.

challenged

I recently started a bible study called living in light of the gospel story. As i did the first week's lesson i was extremely challenged and blessed. As i read through it the first story was the story of two lost sons which totally has shed some light on things for me. I have been struggling alot with my own will and God's will for me. What i want and what God wants. And though i am sure everyone in the world will have "answers" for me as they always do. Sometimes it would be nice if people actually heard what i was saying rather then feeling the need to out their own twist on it. As I was saying nate and i started doing a study together. Which is really cool. I haven't been to a bible study in a while because i haven't really been feeling it but this study is different. I got tired of bible studies that were all about theology and not about what we can do here and now to apply what we learn to our lives.

So the study i'm doing is basically living out the fundamentals of christianity. I am being trained basically to be able to do the study with a small group. It's very challenging and it totally helps you to see things in perspective. The questions are deep, and real. They have challenged me, and it's only the first chapter. As i was saying the first chapter/section is about the father's love for us. Which is sometimes a touchy subject for me. Because it's hard to trust a God that hasn't really protected you from all the stuff i have been through. Father's are suppose to protect their daughters, yeah so like i said it's hard for me.

I'm excited about the study though. Excited that it's going to be something real, not necessarily easy, but real. I'm looking forward to seeing where this will go and where this may end. I'm glad to be challenged and relieved to have someone that i truly trust to be doing it with me, and training me up to teach it. I'm glad that i have made the choices i have made in the last few months. Though it was hard for me to leave my other church, because i honestly and truly love every single person there. I miss all of them greatly, even the personalities that sometimes made it hard for me. I miss the kids especially. But where i am now, is challenging me, and they also see the heart i have for sharing the gospel and for also teaching others. It's truly a blessing to be where i am, not that where i was wasn't a blessing, but that was a season in my life. A season that i was scared to move out of, but i knew i had to. There were things that hurt me, lots of things, but i truly believe God allowed those things to happen to move me on. Like i said i love everyone there and miss them greatly.

The ramblings of a Trombly

The past couple of times i have spent alot of time thinking about my family, and thinking about all of the things we have gone through and overcome, and i am mesmirized by the fact that we are all still standing. We all have our issues, but if there is anything we all have, it's our sense of humor. From the older kids to my nieces and nephews there is one common thread among all of us, it is we have had to have a sense of humor. Things fall apart, we all struggle, we have physical ailments, but we are a strong and close family in many ways. Yeah we fight, some of us don't talk to each other, but without doubt, we all love one another in some twisted sense of the word. I look at my nieces and i see a younger generation coming up, about to face some of the hard realities of life. I'm not scared for them, because i know they will be okay. They are very strong young women. If people think im determined, and strong willed, wait until they meet my wonderful nieces.

Everyone knows how much i love my family. I don't even have to tell people that i love them i know it is obvious. We have persevered through alot. And there have been times i have been unsure of how much they have really loved me. I don't worry about that anymore. Because they are amazing. I have been becoming closer and closer to my older sister recently. And I am very blessed to have her. She understands, it is understood. I don't have to say if you would have met my mother..she knows, my sister endured worse then i did. I don't have to say if you met my dad, she was right there taking care of him along with me. It's a blessing to have someone who just knows. It's a blessing to have someone who Knows.

And i guess that's kinda where i'm at with God. He and I have been fighting for some time now. I have been confused and stressed and really mad that i have these stupid labels on me, as if those labels define me. A lot of people have spent alot of time trying to label my family, trying to label me, and alot of those labels were wrong. They were people who didn't know anything else except labels. We as a family and individually have crushed labels, and yet people would like to add more to us. The label survivor usually follows in a description of me or my sisters. We are just us, we did what we had to do. Backing down, was not an option for us. Yet, God says we are to have labels. We are to be labeled as loving.."for they will know us by our love", we are to be known as forgiving, we are to be known by how willing we are to sacrifice for others. Labels. I don't know how to be those things, completely as God would have me to be. But i see something in my family that does resemble that. In some ways anyway. I don't hold a grudge on my parents. For the mistakes they made, they did what they knew. Most of my siblings feel the same way, though us girls seem to have lived in a different galaxy at home with my parents then the boys did. I see a love that pours out of my family for others, more love then is usually reciprocated. More love then people can sometimes handle. But when you desire more then anything to love and to recieve love it shocks people. When you have been taught to hate and you reject it and instead you choose to love you see all of those things meant for harm turn for good.

We have been through alot, so we understand alot. It's funny that both of my sisters host exchange students from other countries. It's funny that they willing go out of their way to look out for others, and to love and nurture kids that aren't theirs. Of all the labels that were thrown upon us, that one, was never given to us, we're suppose to be bitter angry people according to the labels thrown upon us. But i guess that's what is different about us. We have right to be bitter, but instead we have chosen unconciously to be loving. All of my family believes in God, my sister refers to Jesus often even, but they don't agree with organized religion. I can't say that i blame them. Because sometimes religion is used in some horrible ways. It can be used for control, for selfish ambitions. But it can also be used in great ways as well. I wonder is this a form of christianity ? Because i have seen my family living out my sisters anyway living out most christian principles better then people i see going to church every week.

I mean how often do you, do i really go out of our way to take someone in thats not family? I mean that might..interefere with "our family". Or how many times do we really listen to what people are saying when they are talking to us? Do we see the needs of others, and meet them because we want to, or because we have to, because God looks at our hearts, our motives. How often do we really care about people who aren't in our little cicles? I mean we write letters to kids in other countries, but would you be willing to let that child come and live with you? Would you be willing to do more then write a letter or put some toys in a box? Because God says that those believers in other countries are our family. Or is family just an exclusive group of people your with on a daily basis? My family challenges me. Sometimes more then other believers do, not because they're stuffing bible verses down my throat , but because they are living it. There's ust something that we miss, when we are doing things out of obligation rather then because we want to.

God and i still have a lot of things to smooth out, but there is alot that is being taught to me. He is hard to understand, my life in general and what He has let occur is hard to digest. Because it's hard and painful, it's hard to want to serve a God who keeps allowing such exhausting situations occur. But He is God, and bigger then me. Soo yeah......

Labeled Survivor

Labeled Survivor

Heather Jo Trombly 8/27/08
==============================


Labeled a survivor, but what's it mean to survive
I feel mostly dead, maybe a little alive
I had no choice, what was i suppose to do
Run and hide, scared of all i knew?

I didn't choose to survive, that's all I've ever known.
To be an adult, before i was even grown.
I couldn't run with my tail between my legs, No, I
Could not, should not, Would not believe that lie.

You say I'm a survivor, because i made it through
But to be honest what else could i do?
I had to keep going, avoiding the temptation to look back
I endured because i had to, as i felt each smack.

I'm not a survivor, I just forced my way
When people said i couldn't, I didn't let my determination sway
They said I'd fail, I'd be the next one dead
But i had different plans instead.

I would make it through,
Even though they didn't think it'd be true.
I kept going, taking care of me
Being everything they said i couldn't be.

Statistics said i should have ten kids or spending my life in jail.
But i kept on going, afraid to fail..
I saw hate first hand, and instead i choose to love.
Because I knew it needed to be different if I'd rise above.

So i look at each person as special to my heart
Never desiring to loose them, or to ever depart.
I know the hurts, I have felt intense pain
So i try to protect others, and myself end up going insane.

I try so hard, Because i can't comprehend less
I try so hard to protect other's lives from being a mess.
Because it scares me, that they might not make it through
It scares me, that they may not do what they need to do.

So i take things into my own hands, in love, not control
And i end up creating a mess and am left with this hole
Left hurt in the ruins, of something once strong
Because i wanted to make things work, yet they went more wrong.

So once again i keep going, trying not to look back
It would hurt less to be getting smack after smack.
No excuses, this is me raw and real
I know i need to get better, i need to heal

I need to depend once again in me, not in family and friend
I came into this world alone, and that's how it'll end.
The scars i wear both inside and out
Do not make me a survivior, that's not what I'm about.

I'm about loving people, in good and bad, until my last breathe
I'm about enjoying every minute i have, until my death.
I'm loud, I'm goofy, and at times i can be quiet
I love to laugh, and could probably use a diet.

I hate confrontation, but will come out swinging, if i'm forced to fight
I want to, yearn to, try to do things lovingly, tho it doesn't always happen so right.
I don't want this disorder, this pstd
To be held over my head, because it's my reality.

I know it's there, like everything in my past in doesn't go away
But i will overcome it, despite what other people say.
I don't need a mother to tell me what i need to do
I need a friend who will walk beside me, in the trials i go through.

I need someone to join in my trials to walk by my side
I don't need people to be afraid, cause i'm emotional or i've cried.
Just like surviving isn't what makes me
Neither does a disorder or pstd.


=========================================================================



There has been a lot of things happening in my life lately. Well in the past few months or so. There has been a lot to digest, a lot to try to understand and alot to deal with. As i have learned recently sometimes the very things that can be such a blessing can also be quite a curse. And i want people to realize that as much as my past seems to make people think i'm strong, it does not define who i am, as well as my recent issues don't define me. ...So much to digest...ugh

The Battle ensues

This battle deep within
Is it right, is it wrong, is it really sin?
Questions arising
Conclusions somewhat suprising.

Do I grab hold, or just let go
When what i want is starting to show?
Cast all our cares upon The One
Who redeems us, God's own Son.

But what about when He's silent
When He turns His head from the mean and violent
Yet is quick to point out good things as wrong
When feelings are there, and the bond is strong?

It's a fight, a battle every morning noon and night
But how do i fight against something that i think is alright?
So it is written we are to obey
But I'm tired of living that way.

I need to know for me, not because it is written on a page
Because I feel like i'm in an epic battle on a huge stage
And i don't want to make others stumble and fall
But it seems like not only people, but God is now ignoring my call.

So do i go on about my day
Living my life, doing things my way?
Because ignore status, isn't helping me, not one bit
I'm tired or this battle and i'm ready to quit

There's a strand, a thread, that is holding me
But i can't keep living this way, do you even see
That I am reaching out, trying to grab His Hand
Because more then anything i want to know, to understand.

But i'm getting no where, except the place i've been for years
So where is God, is He listening, or is He ignoring my tears?
I'm crying out for answers, for stability
GOD ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?????????