Trying to be positive...

Yesterday was such a high low day. High as in the concert at umass was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Hearing the spanish music brought me back like i was in Honduras again. Man i really really miss it there. The band was great, lots of energy, as most spanish anythings! It was a lot of fun. And then something kinda like getting a kick in the stomach happened. I found out someone very close to me is sick. Sick not as in a cold sick, but sick as in could die sick. Now i have a lot of faith usually, and i believe God can do miracles, in fact i know He can, that is if He wants to. That is where i struggle where i get confused, where i hurt. It is hard to digest that someone is sick, it is even harder to digest that God may not heal them, despite how much you pray, despite how much you want them to be healed. I went through this with my dad. I prayed everyday for God to heal him, not just once a day, but i spent most of the day praying. But He didn't heal my dad. Yet there have been many people that God has healed. Now someone close to me, one of my close friends is sick. And i am wrestling, wrestling about what to say to God, wrestling with what to say to her, wrestling about how to even react. I have never been in her situation. I have never been sick as bad as she is. I've been sick with my own stuff, but that is long over, except for the mental issues. But this is different. Very different. What do you say to someone who is 20, and is sick. What do you say to someone who's medcine makes them feel worse but is suppose top help them? God has a plan for your life..to end it? God loves you, even though ur extremely sick and only a kid? Or how about God's gonna work this for good, by taking you? I'm sorry if i don't seem optimistic, but after you loose person after person, after person, eventually it is suppose to numb you. It's doing the opposite to me, it is making me want to be the one gone instead. It is making me, want to say screw this, and run as far away as possible, i don't want to loose someone else.

challenged

I recently started a bible study called living in light of the gospel story. As i did the first week's lesson i was extremely challenged and blessed. As i read through it the first story was the story of two lost sons which totally has shed some light on things for me. I have been struggling alot with my own will and God's will for me. What i want and what God wants. And though i am sure everyone in the world will have "answers" for me as they always do. Sometimes it would be nice if people actually heard what i was saying rather then feeling the need to out their own twist on it. As I was saying nate and i started doing a study together. Which is really cool. I haven't been to a bible study in a while because i haven't really been feeling it but this study is different. I got tired of bible studies that were all about theology and not about what we can do here and now to apply what we learn to our lives.

So the study i'm doing is basically living out the fundamentals of christianity. I am being trained basically to be able to do the study with a small group. It's very challenging and it totally helps you to see things in perspective. The questions are deep, and real. They have challenged me, and it's only the first chapter. As i was saying the first chapter/section is about the father's love for us. Which is sometimes a touchy subject for me. Because it's hard to trust a God that hasn't really protected you from all the stuff i have been through. Father's are suppose to protect their daughters, yeah so like i said it's hard for me.

I'm excited about the study though. Excited that it's going to be something real, not necessarily easy, but real. I'm looking forward to seeing where this will go and where this may end. I'm glad to be challenged and relieved to have someone that i truly trust to be doing it with me, and training me up to teach it. I'm glad that i have made the choices i have made in the last few months. Though it was hard for me to leave my other church, because i honestly and truly love every single person there. I miss all of them greatly, even the personalities that sometimes made it hard for me. I miss the kids especially. But where i am now, is challenging me, and they also see the heart i have for sharing the gospel and for also teaching others. It's truly a blessing to be where i am, not that where i was wasn't a blessing, but that was a season in my life. A season that i was scared to move out of, but i knew i had to. There were things that hurt me, lots of things, but i truly believe God allowed those things to happen to move me on. Like i said i love everyone there and miss them greatly.

The ramblings of a Trombly

The past couple of times i have spent alot of time thinking about my family, and thinking about all of the things we have gone through and overcome, and i am mesmirized by the fact that we are all still standing. We all have our issues, but if there is anything we all have, it's our sense of humor. From the older kids to my nieces and nephews there is one common thread among all of us, it is we have had to have a sense of humor. Things fall apart, we all struggle, we have physical ailments, but we are a strong and close family in many ways. Yeah we fight, some of us don't talk to each other, but without doubt, we all love one another in some twisted sense of the word. I look at my nieces and i see a younger generation coming up, about to face some of the hard realities of life. I'm not scared for them, because i know they will be okay. They are very strong young women. If people think im determined, and strong willed, wait until they meet my wonderful nieces.

Everyone knows how much i love my family. I don't even have to tell people that i love them i know it is obvious. We have persevered through alot. And there have been times i have been unsure of how much they have really loved me. I don't worry about that anymore. Because they are amazing. I have been becoming closer and closer to my older sister recently. And I am very blessed to have her. She understands, it is understood. I don't have to say if you would have met my mother..she knows, my sister endured worse then i did. I don't have to say if you met my dad, she was right there taking care of him along with me. It's a blessing to have someone who just knows. It's a blessing to have someone who Knows.

And i guess that's kinda where i'm at with God. He and I have been fighting for some time now. I have been confused and stressed and really mad that i have these stupid labels on me, as if those labels define me. A lot of people have spent alot of time trying to label my family, trying to label me, and alot of those labels were wrong. They were people who didn't know anything else except labels. We as a family and individually have crushed labels, and yet people would like to add more to us. The label survivor usually follows in a description of me or my sisters. We are just us, we did what we had to do. Backing down, was not an option for us. Yet, God says we are to have labels. We are to be labeled as loving.."for they will know us by our love", we are to be known as forgiving, we are to be known by how willing we are to sacrifice for others. Labels. I don't know how to be those things, completely as God would have me to be. But i see something in my family that does resemble that. In some ways anyway. I don't hold a grudge on my parents. For the mistakes they made, they did what they knew. Most of my siblings feel the same way, though us girls seem to have lived in a different galaxy at home with my parents then the boys did. I see a love that pours out of my family for others, more love then is usually reciprocated. More love then people can sometimes handle. But when you desire more then anything to love and to recieve love it shocks people. When you have been taught to hate and you reject it and instead you choose to love you see all of those things meant for harm turn for good.

We have been through alot, so we understand alot. It's funny that both of my sisters host exchange students from other countries. It's funny that they willing go out of their way to look out for others, and to love and nurture kids that aren't theirs. Of all the labels that were thrown upon us, that one, was never given to us, we're suppose to be bitter angry people according to the labels thrown upon us. But i guess that's what is different about us. We have right to be bitter, but instead we have chosen unconciously to be loving. All of my family believes in God, my sister refers to Jesus often even, but they don't agree with organized religion. I can't say that i blame them. Because sometimes religion is used in some horrible ways. It can be used for control, for selfish ambitions. But it can also be used in great ways as well. I wonder is this a form of christianity ? Because i have seen my family living out my sisters anyway living out most christian principles better then people i see going to church every week.

I mean how often do you, do i really go out of our way to take someone in thats not family? I mean that might..interefere with "our family". Or how many times do we really listen to what people are saying when they are talking to us? Do we see the needs of others, and meet them because we want to, or because we have to, because God looks at our hearts, our motives. How often do we really care about people who aren't in our little cicles? I mean we write letters to kids in other countries, but would you be willing to let that child come and live with you? Would you be willing to do more then write a letter or put some toys in a box? Because God says that those believers in other countries are our family. Or is family just an exclusive group of people your with on a daily basis? My family challenges me. Sometimes more then other believers do, not because they're stuffing bible verses down my throat , but because they are living it. There's ust something that we miss, when we are doing things out of obligation rather then because we want to.

God and i still have a lot of things to smooth out, but there is alot that is being taught to me. He is hard to understand, my life in general and what He has let occur is hard to digest. Because it's hard and painful, it's hard to want to serve a God who keeps allowing such exhausting situations occur. But He is God, and bigger then me. Soo yeah......

Labeled Survivor

Labeled Survivor

Heather Jo Trombly 8/27/08
==============================


Labeled a survivor, but what's it mean to survive
I feel mostly dead, maybe a little alive
I had no choice, what was i suppose to do
Run and hide, scared of all i knew?

I didn't choose to survive, that's all I've ever known.
To be an adult, before i was even grown.
I couldn't run with my tail between my legs, No, I
Could not, should not, Would not believe that lie.

You say I'm a survivor, because i made it through
But to be honest what else could i do?
I had to keep going, avoiding the temptation to look back
I endured because i had to, as i felt each smack.

I'm not a survivor, I just forced my way
When people said i couldn't, I didn't let my determination sway
They said I'd fail, I'd be the next one dead
But i had different plans instead.

I would make it through,
Even though they didn't think it'd be true.
I kept going, taking care of me
Being everything they said i couldn't be.

Statistics said i should have ten kids or spending my life in jail.
But i kept on going, afraid to fail..
I saw hate first hand, and instead i choose to love.
Because I knew it needed to be different if I'd rise above.

So i look at each person as special to my heart
Never desiring to loose them, or to ever depart.
I know the hurts, I have felt intense pain
So i try to protect others, and myself end up going insane.

I try so hard, Because i can't comprehend less
I try so hard to protect other's lives from being a mess.
Because it scares me, that they might not make it through
It scares me, that they may not do what they need to do.

So i take things into my own hands, in love, not control
And i end up creating a mess and am left with this hole
Left hurt in the ruins, of something once strong
Because i wanted to make things work, yet they went more wrong.

So once again i keep going, trying not to look back
It would hurt less to be getting smack after smack.
No excuses, this is me raw and real
I know i need to get better, i need to heal

I need to depend once again in me, not in family and friend
I came into this world alone, and that's how it'll end.
The scars i wear both inside and out
Do not make me a survivior, that's not what I'm about.

I'm about loving people, in good and bad, until my last breathe
I'm about enjoying every minute i have, until my death.
I'm loud, I'm goofy, and at times i can be quiet
I love to laugh, and could probably use a diet.

I hate confrontation, but will come out swinging, if i'm forced to fight
I want to, yearn to, try to do things lovingly, tho it doesn't always happen so right.
I don't want this disorder, this pstd
To be held over my head, because it's my reality.

I know it's there, like everything in my past in doesn't go away
But i will overcome it, despite what other people say.
I don't need a mother to tell me what i need to do
I need a friend who will walk beside me, in the trials i go through.

I need someone to join in my trials to walk by my side
I don't need people to be afraid, cause i'm emotional or i've cried.
Just like surviving isn't what makes me
Neither does a disorder or pstd.


=========================================================================



There has been a lot of things happening in my life lately. Well in the past few months or so. There has been a lot to digest, a lot to try to understand and alot to deal with. As i have learned recently sometimes the very things that can be such a blessing can also be quite a curse. And i want people to realize that as much as my past seems to make people think i'm strong, it does not define who i am, as well as my recent issues don't define me. ...So much to digest...ugh

The Battle ensues

This battle deep within
Is it right, is it wrong, is it really sin?
Questions arising
Conclusions somewhat suprising.

Do I grab hold, or just let go
When what i want is starting to show?
Cast all our cares upon The One
Who redeems us, God's own Son.

But what about when He's silent
When He turns His head from the mean and violent
Yet is quick to point out good things as wrong
When feelings are there, and the bond is strong?

It's a fight, a battle every morning noon and night
But how do i fight against something that i think is alright?
So it is written we are to obey
But I'm tired of living that way.

I need to know for me, not because it is written on a page
Because I feel like i'm in an epic battle on a huge stage
And i don't want to make others stumble and fall
But it seems like not only people, but God is now ignoring my call.

So do i go on about my day
Living my life, doing things my way?
Because ignore status, isn't helping me, not one bit
I'm tired or this battle and i'm ready to quit

There's a strand, a thread, that is holding me
But i can't keep living this way, do you even see
That I am reaching out, trying to grab His Hand
Because more then anything i want to know, to understand.

But i'm getting no where, except the place i've been for years
So where is God, is He listening, or is He ignoring my tears?
I'm crying out for answers, for stability
GOD ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?????????

Holding on

Wow, as i sit here thinking about what life has entailed for me in the last six months I am thrown by all that has happened/ occurred. I have obtained things i believed were unattainable, as well as faced some of the hardest things from my past. All of which have been freeing and deathly scary. But it has been good. This ride i have taken the journey i have embarked on has stretched molded, and grounded me further and deeper into what i believe and where i stand on hard subjects, such as drinking, homosexuality, fear, mental health, and mqany others things. Each thing i have encountered and struggled through, chasin God, and His will and His plan, yet understanding also the struggles of others, has been worth every step that i have taken. I had to make hard choices, and even harder have had to stick by those choices. People have been hurt by my decisions, some even offended, but i know that i have needed to make them, though many have hurt me as well.

Amongst the things i have had to let go of has been drinking. As most people know this has been a long and hard battle for me. I enjoy having a drink, but what may sometimes seem as one harmless drink has led to harmful nights down the road. It has been six weeks since i last had a drink, beer margarita, anything. It's been freeing to be completely honest, but scary as some points. I didn't have withdrawals or anything from it. The scary part was seeing the toll it took upon my life. I made choices and decisions that were not at all very intelligent. I hurt my friends, and myself. So i have now embarked once again on to my path in life with a mindset of staying away from drinking. I have started down this road, many times before, and i have left this road many times before. I am learning growing and hopefully maturing, and i knew i needed to let go. Sometimes the things we hold on to the tightest are the things we seems to find our indentities in. When we let go we fear what people may say or think of us. I'm not afraid anymore, i'mover it, the fear anyway. I am not weak because i don't drink i am stronger for knowing that it isn't the healthiest of things for me to be doing right now. Anyway, that's not even the tip of the iceberg, but it is what i felt like writing, may you have a wonderful day, letting go of you, and grabbing a hold of HIM.

Life as we know it

How many times do we take life for granted? I find myself over and over reminding myself not to do that, yet i always find myself once again doing just that. Until something comes along that knocks me on my behind and sends shock waves through my inner being. I have expierenced loss and death quite a bit in my life, and have felt brokeness and i have also felt the sting of death. But nothing i have come to realize is more important then being thankful for the life we have been given. Whether our cup to drink is bitter or sweet, it is our cup, and the creator, knows what is best for His creation. I am thankful that i have overcome much adversity in my life, and I am thankful for ALL of the people God has placed in my life to help me and guide me along the way. But even more so I am thankful for a God that loves me soomuch that He knows everything about me, good and bad and yet He still loves me. But that also challenges me. Because if we truly believed that God truly loved all of us and much as we tell people then our lives would look very very different. We would love without boundaries, we would care whether it was conveinent or not, we would see the world in all of it's brokeness and not shy away from it, into our little Jesus circles, but we would look for ways to help to teach to reach and to be God's hands and feet. Instead i see many of the christian circles i have been a part of shying away from the world rather then reaching out to it. I don't believe people should be taken on as projects, but i do believe people are to be taken on as family. We all sin we all fall short, maybe if we stopped pretending to have all the answers for the lives of the lost and just loved them where they were at they would want to know why we love them, and we would be given the opportunity to share the love of Christ. We don't have all the answers but we know the One who does. We don't need to pretend to have a holier than thou life. Because that is exactly what turns people off to christianity. They see people who look perfect act perfect talk perfect, and they then in return believe they have to be perfect. That is totally opposite of the God i know. He rescues sinners, just because we know Him as savior doesn't mean we are no longer sinners. We need Christ every day yo be working in our lives. So therefore we need to be honest and real with people, so that they may see God's work in us, and through us. So that they may not see us as doing the work but as God doing it. To Him be all the glory, for my life and for my story. Mat we live our lives as a living honest testimony to a God that is working and changing us every day.

Struck down but Not Destroyed

I was wicked wicked sick today. A migraine that was the mother and father of all migraines came upon me, so i spent the entire day in darkness snuggling with a bucket to catch all of the nastiness that my belly decided to project out of it. I can usually handle throwing up but today, we'll just say, was a not so good day. Yesterday on the pother hand was amazing yet also saddening.

Yesterday i went to a family cookout for my uncle everett, which i gotta say was alot more fun then they usually are. I had a great time. I did get bad news though. My aunt's best friend died on saturday, and i found out when i got to the cookout. This woman was a very big part of my life, and meant a lot to me. Not because she was my aunt's best friend but because her and i had a relationship dynamic that was totally seperate of my aunt's and mine. This woman Virginia, was one of the women from neighborhood who was always encouraging me, and always supportive of me. Se never looked down on me, but always encouraged me and gave me a lot of advice. I had the uptmost respect for this woman and she is actually the reason why i decided to actually try to reconnect with my family again. She knew the trouble i went through with my brothers, my mom and all the stuff that happened to me. She knew my faults, yet never once looked down on me or told me i was a loser. It's sad that she is gone, and it hurts me to see my aunt hurting. I will no doubt miss her. The funeral and wake are tues and wed. I probably won't make it to the wake, but i will no doubt be at the funeral.
Despite the sad news of virginia's death i had a great time at my family cookout. I usually feel out of place at those things because well, my mom wasn't exactly the one everyone wanted at parties so for a long time, i didn't attend family parties because my mom wasn't usually invited. But this one was different. I got to go swimming in my aunt and uncles pool, and then we played volleyball. Good ole volleyball. Picture this a whole bunch of people, who well, play volleyball quite similar, barely getting it over the net, was pretty amusing. If you've ever seen me play volleyball, multiply that hilarious show by about 15, and then you might be close to imagining what this show was like. Lots of fun and lots of laughs, God truly blessed it. It was a great time, and i look forward to seeing my uncle again tomorrow as well as my sister. God is truly answering sooo many prayers of mine. He is soooo GOOD!

Finally

Woot Woot!!!! I finally have internet once again at home. Do you know how happy that makes me? If your reading this then you probably know how happy i am. So far so good. I really really love living in this apartment. I went t the beach yesterday with the roomie for a little bit to get some "sun therapy" which is basically sitting in the sun for an hour at least with no sun screen. It is apparently really good for the seratonin levels in your brain. As long as i have seratonin i have happiness, once it becomes depleted it is a bad bad thing because that is when a break down occurs. I've been doing a lot of reading and learning on this subject so that i know as much as i can about the condition so i can then decide what exactly is best for me. I've also been doing a lot of learning about web design. I have invested money into getting the books i need in order to learn how to create Web sites. Interestingly enough God has blessed me with the software that i need to do such things for free. Yes my friends i said free. A friend of mine had it and she doesn't use it, so she gave the software to me. So i am now operating and becoming quite familiar with dream weaver as well as fireworks and flash 8. Which are quite expensive programs in case you honestly don't know. I have begun to construct a number of websites, and am beginning to know enough to be able to create pages that look absolutely amazing and that i will at some point be able to use as a portfolio for people to look at if they would like me to build a site for them. It's a lot of fun to be able to use my creativity for a purpose. It's funstuff. My prayer is that God would bless it.

New life, New apartment..

Apparently my last post offended people. I'm still confused as to why because i wasn't particularly mean or rude about anything, just honest about my feelings. I ould have thought i would et crucified for the Gay pride thing i went to, more then my last blog, but i guess you never can really interpret how people will react to a blog that is written about true feelings and true emotions.

True fact 1, I have moved on to another church, not because i think the one i left was filld with horrible terrible people. But because i could not be used there. Unless i signed a piece of paper, which i honestly don't agree with doing. The church I attend is merely just another part of the body of Christ. Therefore me leaving and moving on should not be taken as me divorcing a certain group of people.

True fact 2,
I was hurt,and still am hurt in some ways by particular people. But that does not mean, i dislike them or do not care or love them, in fact the only reason i was hurt by them was because i trusted them very much, and was hurt by their actions, because they mattered so much to me. We all hurt each other and we all make mistakes.

True fact 3,
I wish to see all bodies of Christ to grow and to thrive, by showing each other total unconditional love. We put so many boundaries and set so many things as unholy that, we cut off the people in this world who are truly seeking and want to learn about God, because they don't fit in our box. Next time you question if someone "is really a christian" look at your own heart, are you really a christian? Because your sin is just as bad.

So that is my correcting of other's false perceptions of exactly what i was sayig in my last post. I hope that it was cleared up for all of you. Now on to my new apartment

Most people would think that me moving in with another person would mean that her and i would have to learn to adjust to each other. Can i just say that it has been totally amazing, living in my new place. My roomie's son is awesome, and we now have massive settlers playoffs between one another, which i must say is freakin amazing. Just the fact of living with someone once again and knowing that i'm not alone is such a wonderful feeling for me. It's nice to feel welcome and at home somehwre, and for the first time other then at nate's i feel like i'm home. My room, is coming along great and due to mania lately i have been quite creative and even made the poetic collage on my door, which came out pretty awesome. Not to blow my own horn. Life is good, God is wonderful. and I have been blessed.

The time has come

The time has come for me to move on from the apartment i have been living in, into a different place, a different stage in my life. As crazy as it seems i am excited yet nervous, yet scared, but all the time i am looking forward to this. I have wanted a room mate for some time now, so like i said it's exciting. Part of me is still kind of sad about moving out of this apartment. I think it's mostly because this place has become my stability, my home. Change is not something that comes all that easy for me God usually has to force me into it. But i have chosen this myself, listening to His voice, and trusting God that HE is going to take care of me like He always does. I'm starting to learn that Change is not always bad, it's actually good for us. Still scary though.

On other things, i went to the emmaus women's study, evergreen or whatever. It was pretty good. I had the opportunity to share a little bit or more so expand on what one of the other women had said. It was interesting to know that someone else has seen things that i have seen, and also been hurt but the same things that have hurt me. I am hopeing that the things that were discussed will change things for future people. As for me, I am already gone. I have already found a body and a home to be used in. And I am blessed to be there. Though i would like to see other bodies grow as well. It hurts that i have left, but i just had to go. I love these people very much. Very very much, and to leave was a hard decision to make, but i needed to be in a place where i could be used and be a blessing to others. It hurt to leave, and to go on about my way, most people don't understand that tho. I only hope that i can continue to still have relationships that are close like they once were with those people. We are all part of the body of Christ. I pray for them, and i love them very very much. Anyways, it's 2:35 in the am, i must go to sleep i have packing to do all day tomorrow.

How does this Always Happen?

I'm starting to think that the reason i don't sleep well at night is because God has given me an " after hours" ministry. Every night pretty much this week i have had friends calling me up late needed someone to talk to. Every night pretty much they have come to pick me up and i have spent time ministering to them till after 1 or 2 in the morning. Yes i know that i need my sleep. But I need to be willing to always be available to be used by God. Besides it's kind of fun.

Tonight for instance i got a phone call informing me that friends were coming to get me. The phone call came about 11pm, and it is now 4:16 am and i just walked in the door. I spent the night with friends riding around pretty much every town in southeastern mass, no jokes. We spoke about God, and about the things that were going on with them. I offered advice, and reassured them people have been praying for them. The night ended with one of the girls asking me how i came to know Christ as Savior, and i was able to share my testimony with a young woman, who has attended church but has walked away. Yet was very curious about my story. It's was a good night. God truly is doing a work. But i can't help but wonder, why He would use someone like me...guess i'll have to ask Him that in heaven one day..

The Lepers of today...

Sunday was an interesting day, i went to church and then i attended an event that in some religious circles i would be crucified for attending. I went to New Bedford's Gay Pride event. I ate, i danced, i laughed, i even hugged, lots and lots of gay men..and women. I had a great time too. But i think some of te most entertaining things were when people asked how i've been and what I've been up to, and i was given a chance to tell them about church, and tell them about honduras. I never once condemned them nor their lifestyle. I shared what God taught me in Honduras, and i even shared some personal things that I am trusting God with. And to be honest i had a wonderful time. I caught up with lots of friends from back in the day, and made a lot of new friends. Alot of people were shocked that me being a christian and all that i would even walk into a place where "their people" are. One girl i met said how come your here, " your people hate or people". I looked at her and told her there is no line between me and them. In fact i love gay people, straight people, church people, atheist people. I love them all.Just as Christ did.

I think alot of times those of us who attend services or meeting get so caught up in our little groups that we forget about the other people out there. We forget that the story of the good samaritan wasn't about someone who was a believer. It was about someone who needed help, now how many people do we walk by on a daily basis that we turn our heads and walk by? How many people are too incoinveint for us to reach out to? How many peoples sins aren't like ours, that we look down upon, because hey, they might corrupt us. The man that was robbed and lying half dead in the road that the samaritan helped would have made the pharisees unclean, because he was bleeding so they left him there, but who was more of a neighbor to the man, who was hurting? Jesus says we are to go and do likewise. How often do we really do that? I'm just curious, cause i miss opportunities every day.

I had a great time with the outsiders, with people who probably won't ever step foot in a church. And you know they challenged me, because they were more welcoming and less judgemental then the body of Christ is to each other.It was deffintely an expierence, and i learned quite a bit. Because as much as people say that homosexuals don't want to hear about Christ, i think it is more we the body of Christ are afraid to bring it to them. I met so many open people, curious people, and it challenged me in ways that i haven't been challenged in some time. I had fun hanging out with our modern day Lepers, they quite loving, and accepting.

Back to the Essence

Friday was our worship service, and let me tell you i could feel the presence of God there. I felt surrounded by His Mercy, His Grace, His Love and His Forgiveness. I could hear Him speaking directly to me, to my heart. And I, I cried out to God in a way of utter dependence upon Him, for strength, perseverance, and for guidance. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know where God will have me to be doing next week never mind next year. All i do know is that I am Nothing without Him. This seems so much of one of those things everyone says to each other in christiandom, but it is now just something that comes out of my mouth. I have seen who I am, when i take my eyes off Christ, and God offers soo much more to me, why would i seek out to fit in within the world, when that's not what i called to do. I am to be in the world, not of the world. I will tell you from expirence it is a very fine line, that easily can be crossed. As i have tripped over it, and at times jumped over it for i took my eyes off the only One who will fill the holes in my heart. I yearn for acceptance, i yearn for belonging, i desire to be a part of something bigger something better then what i was brought up in. I have looked to people to include me, to adopt me, and every time i have been let down, and hurt badly. In some ways the pain of rejection still pierces me deep within daily. But that is something i need to keep giving to Christ. Every hurt, Every tear, Every moment of brokenness i need to present before the throne of my God. The essence of all that I am is to be a living sacrifice to the One who created me. I will fall, i will be hurt, but Christ has defeated satan, why would the task of me having the desire to be part of something bigger be hard for Him to achieve. He has called all of us to something bigger then we could ever imagine.

Alot of times i try to put on a facade. I feel more comfortable looking tough, and never looking vunerable. Because being vunerable means i just might get hurt. But i have come to the realization where i don't need to pretend anymore. I don't need to act like I am indestructable. Because God gave me feelings and God himself had emotions, that He showed, in a healthy way. I am learning many things. God is working within my heart, and I am glad to be back to where God is everything i need in this life.

Back to normalcy, or something like that....

Life has been hectic, crazy, busy, and challenging for me lately as most of you know who read this. Challenges have been set before me, and trials have surfaced. I have questioned a lot of the things that i have learned from Christiandom, and have even i guess somewhat strayed and took my eyes off the most important thing to me, glorifying God. I'm not sure where i started to depend on myself rather then Him, or even when i started to let bitterness control me, but it happened. And once i noticed how far i was it broke me. I love God, but i honestly struggle at times. I know all people have their " dry times" but i think that's an excuse we make up to try to justify what we're doing or how we're living. I'm not going to sit here, and try to bullcrap God, just like i'm not going to try and bullcrap any of you, by saying i have been okay all this time. I haven't. But God spoke to me alot this weekend, A whole lot. He spoke to me about my dependence upon myself, He spoke to me, about the fact that HE doesn't need me, but that i need Him. I saw for myself who i am without God. I saw my sin for the ugliness of what it truly is. But i also saw alot of things. Verses from job convicted me, where God was asking Job did you make this? Did you create that? I now have a heart knowledge that matches up to the head knowledge of the fact that i am nothing without Christ. I forgot what it was like to be on the bottom, rock bottom. I forgot how horrible i am, when i do what i want to do, and take my eyes off Christ. I am soo grateful for grace. I am soo grateful for forgiveness and i am so grateful for the people that i have in my life, who, love me despite how wretched i am.

If only i could explain

I wish i could begin to explain to all that has been going on within me lately, but there is too much to explain. I have been broken yet fixed, i have been apathetic, while also being sympathetic. It's hard to explain to those on the outside who have no idea what it's like to wake up and not be sure what is going to happen to you that day. Whether you will be bouncing off walls, or stay in your apartment with the windows closed and the lights off not answering the phone to anyone. Everyday this is my reality. Not because i choose it to be, but because it is. It scares me, greatly. And as much as i would like to let all of you in on what is going on in my life what truly is the point of doing so, because, you truly won't understand. Everyone seems to have answers for me, but noone knows what it's like to walk in these shoes. And yet there is one whom has been through much greater things then i ever have or ever will go through. Christ understands my ramblings and Christ understands that i am not dwelling on my past, He is where I'm getting my strength to get through day by day. And though in many ways i am questioning many things, I do not question that He is here with me. I do not question that right now He is within me guiding me and strengthening me, and carrying me through. I have learned many things about depending fully on God recently, and every day i am realizing that my salvation and my walk with God is just that, MINE. I know where I'm at and God knows exactly where I am at. HE knows my motives, and HE knows my heart's desires. And that truly is what matters. I know the Word not only knowledge wise, but it is written deep on the tablet of my heart. Though I am far from perfect i know that i am forgiven because Christ has stood in the gap for me, just like He has done for all people. He wants us to be reconciled to Him, and once we are there is no unreconciling us. I am so blessed to know that..Let us stand firm in the Word, The Truth, In CHrist.

For all of you who thought i disappeared

I am trying to post more frequently now. I think it's more because i have the time to or more likely, i actually have the desire to write back once again. i am reading a book these days that is truly challenging me, it is called after the heavy rain. It is about a man whose family was killed in the killing fields of cambodia. It is hard to read not because it's not interesting but because it is greatly challenging. This man reunites himself with the brutal murders of the khmer rouge and presents each one with a shirt, a friendship scarf, and a bible telling them that he forgives them. It is truly amazing. It has challenged me greatly with my own personal life. I think everyone would benefit from reading it as we all harbor unforgiveness in one area of our life or another.

Otherwise life has been pretty relaxed for me. God is teaching me and guiding me, stretching me and yet blessing me through it. I have witnessed some pretty amazing things this past week and i look forward toi expirence even more. God is good. Many things are happening and as i reported in an earlier post..God is moving.

God is moving

It's funny how God totally can you take you on an adventure and you not be expecting to meet HIM there and then poof out of nowhere, bang there HE is. I have been praying for the neighborhood for a very long time, since i got saved actually. And who would have thought that God would bring me there last night to see my prayers being answered right in front of me. It was nuts, and yet soo amazing. To see HIM working, and guiding, And ANSWERING MY PRAYERS i have been praying all this time. Every little trial overcome is just another reminder of how HE never leaves us or forsakes us..

It's been a while

It's been probably about a month since i last posted, i been kinda going through things that have truly been hard and eventful to say the least.But God is good even in this. For some time i have been struggling with some very hard to explain things. Not just emotions but so many other things that can not merely be described by emotions. Everyone seems to have their own take on the things that i have been going through. Some advice i have heard is just trust the Lord, or the first questions always asked is how is your walk with God, or you need to see a christian counselor, or so many other things. I appreciate everyone wanting to help me in this way, but my walk with God, is fine. I don't want to see a christian counselor. Mainly because i'm not sure they will listen to me, and what i am saying rather then judge me by their own convictions. I think i have a better chance explaining the things happening to me to someone who isn't biased by christiandom, because to be honest, sometimes it's easier to talk to people who just want to hear you rather then fix you. Right now i need people. I need people to call me because they miss me, i need to feel like i matter..to someone out there. Not because i am writing it in a blog but because it is real. Not because someone wants to take me on as a mission, or someone who needs fixing. I need to be reminded that i matter. Because i feel like if i hadn't had someone call people to tell them i was sick in the hospital no one would have known, because i don't hear from people. Saying to someone i thought of you today, is much different then picking up a phone and saying hey let me pray with you, or let me let you know i was thinkin of you. i try to do that for people, i like making people feel like they matter. I guess that why it hurts me soo much when i don't recieve the same as i enjoy giving to others. This is not a cry for attention by the way, this is me being honest and me being real. This is me saying i need people. I need love. I don't want to guilt anyone to giving a crap, but i am trying to make people see that if i didn't feel like such a burden or be made to feel like a burden i would actually tell people when i'm hurting. I am trying to explain, why i act the way i do, and why no one knew how i was doing. You didn't know because you didn't ask. You didn't know because you didn't want to know. If there is something i want to know i ask..ask, it might actually get you answers. Reading a blog or a post on someone's blog is just taking the effort or work out of actually caring and loving someone. Loving and caring about others isn't easy, it's work, it's sacrifice, it means going out of your way sometimes not because you feel like you have to, but because you want to. If you call me because you feel guilty don't waste your time. If you only have me over to feel better about yourself then i rather not be invited. But if you really do care and you really want to be there, then make the extra effort to call me. You never know how much a phone call can matter to someone who feels lonely. Below is a poem i wrote last night hopefully it gives you a glimpse into me and where i am at... It's called Heather's Psalm



Heather's Psalm
=================


Do you know what it’s like to sit on a bed, in a place you don’t know
And be expected, to let all of your brokenness and emotions show.
Do you know what it’s like to see things, that torment you, from years past
Praying to God that they won’t, that HE won’t let them last.

Do you know what it’s like to let people in, when you want to run and hide
Being forced to face the things that hurt worst, about which you’ve for hours cried
Do you know how it feels, to hurt yourself, to make yourself bleed
Because your afraid to seem like someone in need.

This is me, the person from which I try run
Because I don’t want to hurt, I want to be happy and fun.
Hidden for years, these are my pains from deep within
Is this because of mine or my parent’s sin?

If you know please tell because I would love to hear
How on earth I can stop being tortured by my mind and my fear.
Welcome to a glimpse into a world of confusion, of highs and lows
Where insecurity and flashbacks seem to continuously flow.

How long till I am somehow, someway, finally free
Free to be happy to live a normal life, to finally love me
How long Oh God, Till you make me well
Because I am tired of waking up in what seems like living hell?

I know You, My God, are capable of healing me, healing my mind
I know that You, Oh God, are the greatest counselor I will ever find.
I know that in all of this, You will somehow be glorified
But Lord, Your Strength, Power, and Healing is something I’ve never denied.

I need You to carry me, because I can’t do this alone
I need You, Lord, to be closer then the person on the other end of the phone.
I need You, every hour, every single day
Because You are my life support, in every way.

Amazing God

So it is now Sunday and i have survived my 26th birthday. I have to say that as i took a few moments to look back on the last year of my life, I can see how God has changed my life and who i am. It was kind of ironic and yet baffling to see the where i spent my birthday last year, in providence hitting up the clubs with my cousins, and where i wanted to spend my birthday this year. There were no huge parties, there was a worship night. There was no getting hammered there was a drink with dinner. There was no forgetting all the things that happened, there was moments that i will treasure for the rest of my life with people whom wanted to celebrate my birthday and my life with me, not me trying to convince people that they should come. God brought who He wanted there. There was plenty of laughter, tears of joy and a time to remember one of the biggest things that occurred in my life this year, Honduras.

As i spoke to my family that God has given me this weekend i rejoiced at what God has done, looking forward to what He will be doing in my life this year. I spent my real birthday (friday) with a group of people who truly want to live a life of worship and praise to our Savior. Never in a million years would I have pictured organizing a worship night on my birthday. Yet, that was what i wanted this year, to praise God for Him carrying me through and helping me to build my life on Him the solid rock. We had communion on my birthday, sang songs to our Savior, and thanked Him for His sacrifice for all of us. You see my birthday wasn't about me, it was about My God. And it was truly the best birthday i have ever had.

I am very blessed. Where I lacked a family God gave me brothers and sisters who challenge me, guide me and strengthen me in our God. Where i lack community i have been given the body of Christ. It's amazing to know how much God has done in this last year, in my life. People can look and say wow God has changed you, but when i can look back in amazement and say, Oh My God, look what have you done, that is another thing. For me to be able to look past all the crap that has happened, all the hurt, all the agervation all of the fakeness and be able to say, God is Good. That is another thing. For me, to see it, for me to know without a doubt that God loves me for when so many years i just couldn't see it. I could understand Him loving other people, but i'm just a loser why would He love me? But this past year He has shown me in so many ways that i am worth something, I am worth loving, and i don't deserve anything less then being loved. He has created me, Knitted me together in my mother's womb, yet made me unique in so many ways from others. I am not a punishment to the world, but a being made to bring Glory to God. I don't need to defend myself for my father will defend me. I don't have earthly parents here with me, but i AM NOT AN ORPHAN, I HAVE BEEN ADOPTED.

I wish i could really help people to understand what i see, what i have expierenced, what He has taught and shown me, but words can't even completely express all the things i have learned, seen, and been a part of this year. He has challenged me, stretched me and broke me in places i didn't know existed. And to tell others, is hard because they will never fully be able to know or see what God has brought into the light for me. I can't wait till next year, to see what HE will do....

Silence

Silence...
Last year i never would have said that i enjoyed silence, three months ago i don't believe i would have said it either. But Silence has been the summary of what God has been teaching me lately. It's kind of weird, that i am embracing something so opposite of who i am, But there is a time for all things. While in Honduras God spoke to me about alot of things in my life, through my silence of not having a voice. There was nothing to tune out to, i had no radio, no computer, no distractions. I went to Honduras planning to do so much, to do all these activities, you know to work out my salvation and to show all these people all these things. Instead i had no voice, which meant no words to speak, and only action to take. Alot of emotions came forth due to the lost of my voice. The first day i kind of had a sense of humor about it. Second day i tried to show my faith by saying God will give me back my voice tomorrow, by the third day, i was broken. Broken, hurt, defenseless, and vunerable, vunerable being the worst of all those in my book. Unsure why God had me in another country with no voice, and not be able to be productive as i had planned brought me to a place of vunerability that went deeper then most people can even begin to understand, those who know me well and those who do not, don't know and couldn't know the depths of vunerability i was brought into. I was forced to take a long hard look at my life, where my dependance was and who God made and called me to be, and it was a scary place to be. It meant facing the fears that i have carried within me for a very long time, and as The Sacred Romance puts it( the book i am reading) I had to face my message of the arrows.
Things that i had long avoided discussing, fears that i knew were there, parts of me that i was afraid to give to God, were brought out into the open before me and before God. My walls that i so frequently hide behind, my insecurities that i have carefully hidden and carried with me for years were there in front of me. And God was speaking directly to me about them. While i sat in silence. I'm not going to play you all for fools and say i was openly willing and ready to deal with these things, it was terrifying. Because it really meant being honest about the calling God has given to me. It meant no more running, it meant no playing games, and it meant allowing myself to be torn down only to be built back up by God. Tearing down a building in a way that it can be still built back up is know easy task, ask any construction worker about that. I knew allowing God to tear down those things in my life that i no longer needed to carry wasn't going to be easy. But i knew HE loves me and HIS plan is so greater then mine, and so the process began and is still ongoing. All in Silence. He spoke to my heart about me, and the woman HE created. He has spoken to me about my fears of other's opinions, and He spoke to me about the fear of people's condemnation. He spoke to me of His love and reminded me that before His accusers there was also a time where HE himself remained silent. His silence spoke louder to the people then anything HE could have said while being accused. His actions showed His love, as I learned His actions through me would speak multitudes. There is a time to speak, but there is also a time to be silent. If our lives our always full of distractions and noise, How will we ever learn the importance of silence. What is God speaking to you about in your silence? Does HE need to take away your voice as well, for you to hear Him? Are you willing to let Him tear you down only to build you back up, stronger in Him? Think about these things..

Jinny is gone

Today Jinny died. Today a part of me felt like it died as well. I swore that i wouldn't let myself get to attached. But i did anyway, God had a purpose in me being attached to this woman. She brought a lot of joy into my life, as well as a lot of sleepless nights. But when you looked into her eyes they told a story. A story of a life that was an adventure. Looking through her photo album one day i saw that this little frail woman had indeed lived a life filled with adventure, heartache, excitement joy and pain. Taking care of her for the last 2 years helped me to heal from loosing my daddy. I spent many nights sitting with her and singing her worship songs as i held her hand. Many nights i sat there and cried as she held my hand when i missed my dad. Alot of time people don't understand how devastating alzheimer's disease is. You watch people break down mentally then physically. Last friday as i sat there holding her hand, and using the water swab to wet her mouth like i did with my dad, i cried. I cried for jinny, i cried for my daddy, and i cried for me. I cried for the mistakes i've made, the times where i tried to put up walls to keep people out, and i cried for the way God used this woman to teach me about being vunerable. The end of something is always better then the beginnin or at least that's what ecclesiastes teaches us in chapter 7, but the end is always more painful then the beginning. I watched my dad, waste away in front of me and become a shell of who he use to be. I watched this as well with jinny. I didn't know jinny before she got sick, but i have been with her as her health has declined. We laughed i cried, she screamed, i wanted to scream. But she taught me patience, and perseverance. As much as it hurts for her to now be gone, i told her on friday to tell me dad that i love him, and to tell God that i said thank you, when she sees them. I don't know if she was a believer, but i prayed for her everyday. I feel betrayed by this disease that has stolen away from me two wonderful people. But i know God has a plan in all of this. She lived a long life, much longer then my dad, but it still hurts that she's gone.

And so i will cry again for jinny, and for my dad, but i know even in this pain God is bigger and HE has it under control. HE is my strength in weakness, and i will not pretend to not be upset because God has made me to wear my heart on my sleeve. HE has made me to feel what it feels like to loose someone you love. No walls, no pretending, just a broken girl with a mourning heart.

Alive

How do you explain in a blog when you have seen God in a new amazing way? When it was in such a way that it alters your life, your mind and everything you are? When it grabs you and holds you and you hold your breathe because you never want that moment to end. Last night, that was me. Last night it was as if Gods was my daddy, He was sitting beside me, listening to me,and most of all, hearing me. As my real father had once done. God sat beside me, telling me that HE was proud of me. Telling me that i'm not garbage but His beautiful little girl. And that HE knew how much it hurts sometimes, and that HE would ALWAYS be there for me, and for the first time in a very long time, the heavyness, the weight, the hurts feelings, the struggles were lifted, and i saw the face of a God, who loves me. My parents death wasn't a punishment, my nephews death wasn't a punishment, it was situations that happened. I wasn't alone, for HE was there. The fears, the lonliness, the hurts and the desire to still hold on that has been driving me for soo long, was gone. I went to Sanctuary a broken, young girl afraid of life, and afraid to live and came out a young woman that has conquered and been healed of some of the deepest wounds one can go through.

I saw my friends waiting outside of the sanctuary for me, and i went up to them without hesitation and reintroduced myself. For they had not seen me, but seen the shell of a broken child. My heart was smiling last night, and i know that my family in heaven was smiling as well. I know my father, my God, was smiling down on me, possibly saying to my earthly dad saying, "Look at how our little girl has grown." Smiling from ear to ear. I do not need the approval of other people, but simply the approval of my heavenly father.

I have a lot to do. Decisions to make, goals to pursue, a life set out before that is calling me to once again live, not merely survive. The path before me, will not always be easy, but i know beyond doubt that I am NEVER alone.

A glimpse within

"The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision."
--Helen Keller


Ahh Helen Keller, I love that quote from her. Her and I are in many ways a part of the same world. A world that to others is never thought of or is easily forgotten about. Helen Keller is one of the smartest and most intriguing writers that i have ever read. I think it is because i feel her and i get here, probably because i have been there. She had it tougher then me. But i understand. Alot of people see me and can't tell there is anything wrong with me. They can't look at me and tell that i have a bum eye, or that i can't really see to walk at night. I try not to let it get in the way of the things i do, or in the way of my job, and call me prideful but i hate asking for help because of my eyes more then anything. I think it is because i hate admitting there is anything that i can't do. I think that's why i like helen keller so much. Nothing held her back or got in her way. She had hardships and had many things that could have caused her to give up and give in, but she kept on going.

I wish i were only as deterined as she is. She wasn't afraid of who she was yet here i am always getting embarrassed when people ask y i don't drive. And i have to tell them that i have horrible eyes. Each time i had surgery i would get all excited, thinking that maybe that surgery would give me full vision. That i would know what it's like not to see 2 of everything all the time. To be able to drive a car and not have to depend on other people to come get me, or not spend time with them. Or to just be normal, and enjoy things like the stars at night, or going for a walk at night to clear my head. I can't do these things. I don't know what it's like to see the stars, to lay on your back and enjoy them, because the few times i have been able to see them i had to squint so hard..i hated it. I can't go for walks at night like i use to love doing because, i might fall or hurt myself now. And yet here i am going to honduras. On an adventure that only God could provide.

I know how much Helen Keller suffered, as one who has been there. But i also know the joy, of being able to do things people never thought you could do. I know the value of sight, and of insight. I know the value and how precious it is from the perspective of someone who has lost it several times, and as someone whom has been forewarned that they may loose it again. I have known the dependence i have needed to have on others, for rides, and at times for guidance on dark nights. And have also felt the pain of falling down stairs, when led the wrong way, and the pain of falling when noone is there to help guide me or lead me. But i know above all things the sheer joy, of A Savior, who leads me to places and into circumstances i never before would have dared to venture into. And i know just as Helen Keller clearly did, that " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Jesus, is not only my sight, but He is my vision for this world and My prayer for my family and my friends. Though i may struggle with my physical blindness, my heart can see, HE who is greater then all things, for HE has created all things.

Perfect Christianity

Perfect Christianity
Heather Jo Trombly


Perfect Christianity, I smile, You smile
We pretend to care at least for a while
I love You, or so i say
Yet mumble just the opposite, as i walk away.

I pray every morning, me and Jesus, we're tight
But i dare not admit that my spouse and I fight.
I attend church and bible study too
And see people straving, and leave them with a "I'll pray for you"

The new age pharisees, you and I
We claim to love Jesus, but He is someone our actions deny
I love Jesus with all my heart and soul,
But look to money to make me whole

Perfect Christianity, a fascade for all to see
A holy life dedicated to, it's all about me
Show me a perfect Christian, I'll show you a twisted lie
Because noone is perfect except the GOD we deny.

Letting Go

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown


I read this quote and it totally spoke to my heart. I have come to the realization that not only am i stubborn ( in case you hadn't already figured that out), but i am not one that easily lets go of things. I have a tendency to cling to my past and have for sometime now let it govern me. I think i took to seriously the never give up line that some of us were taught as kids. God has been speaking to my heart a whole lot about letting go recently. I have been holding on to so many things out of fear that the unknown may not be safe. It's good to learn from the lessons in life, it is wrong to let those cicumstances in which you have come out of control you. My fear of letting go has cripled me many ways in the past, and i see how it has affected me even now as i sit here writing this. I can here my mothers voice resounding in my head right now saying" quiters never prosper." I can hear her reminding me that if i ever gave up i'd just end up a loser. And so i let this mindset of never giving up, or giving in control me, in so many aspects of my life. I think it's time i let go of the survivor attitude i was taught so that i can no longer survive but enjoy life as i have been blessed with an amazing one.

Going to Honduras is a big step for me. It is one that has not been easily taken and has been met with some great adversity. Everyone has an opinion, but God's is most important to me. He comes first in my life, and i'm going to follow Him. Honduras is a big stretch for me. Because it not only means letting go of my comfort zone here in comfy cozy america it means letting go and trusting God with some very big things in my life. From family and friends to my job, and my coworkers. But it also means letting go of the fears i have from my past.I need to trust God with my family that HE will keep them safe. That;s not easy for me at all.But it's what i need to do. But not only is God speaking to my heart about Honduras, there are other things as well.

One imparticular is a relationship i have had on and off with a guy for like 9 years now. Every single person in my life pretty kuch knws the on going drama of ambrose and i. One minute i lve him, then he's a jerk and i wish he would fall off the planet, and then the next i realzie there seems to be a void in my life without him. We fight, we laugh, we cry, as he says we're just us. About a month ago i told ambrose that we can't even be friends anymore. It broke my heart to say that more then anyone can even understand.Nine years is a long time, and even though we weren't officially together with a label lately..we were still acting like the sort without the label. But i needed to let go. I told him i can't be with him, without a label, and i can't be friends with him. Either he is serious or he's not, i can't and won't spend my life waiting for him anymore. I have seen him since then, at mirasol's and have stuck to my guns, because i know that i need to let go. He doesn't want to loose me, but i have told him there's really nothing left to say. I see him i cry, he calls me, i feel like i'm dying inside. But sometimes there just comes a time, where eventually you grow up and you need to let go. I don't know what is going to happen with me and ambrose but i can say it breaks my heart to think of not having him in my life, after all he and i have been through. But i need to let go. I hope he and i end up together at some point, because i honestly love him with all of my heart, but it's not for now. He has a choice to make just like i do, either i hold on to the past or i grab hold in anticipation for what God has for my future. I have finally let him go, and given this whole thing to God.

It's not easy, neither is going to Honduras. But I know God has it, and that is a wonderful place to be, in the arms of my father trusting Him and leaning on Him, fully dependant on Him to carry me through each and every day. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go, but you'll never move forward if your chained down and controled by your past. I love Ambrose, but i love God, more. I love being here with my family, but i love God and desire to serve HIM even more. He is not my crutch as i once told my sister HE is my life support, and it is about time i start living that out.

There are other things and other people that i know i need to let go of, and are going to be very hard on me. But if i claim that Jesus is MY LORD AND SAVIOR, how can anyone or anything over what HE has told me to do. It's going to hurt me to let go, at some point, but like the quote above says....

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

I will follow

So i've been reading this book lately and it depicts perfectly how i've been feeling surrounding many of the events that are or have taken place in my life lately. The author depicts quite well many of my emotions and feelings quite well so i am just going to write an excerpt from the book and let you all ponder it for yourselves.


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Whatever form each of our intimate adventures has taken in our fantasies, or in " real life," this Sacred Romance is set within all of our hearts and will not go away. It is the core of our spiritual journey. Any religion that ignores it survives only as a guilt-induced legalism, a set of propositions to be memorized and rules to be obeyed.
Someone or soemthing has romanced us from the beginning with creek-side singers and pastel sunsets, with austere majesty of snow capped mountains and the poignant flames of autumn colors telling us of something or someone leaving with a promise of return. These things can, in an ungaurded moment, bring us to our knees with longing for this something or someone who is lost;someone or something only our heart recognizes. C.s. lewis knew this longing well:

Even in your hobbies, has there no always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of- something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through,the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap clap of water against a boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet a human being who has some inkling ( but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for,listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been hints of it - tantilizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest- if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself-you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say" Here at last is the thing i was made for." We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unapeaseable want, the thing we desired before we even met our wives, or made our friends, or chose our work, and which shall desire on our deathbeds, when mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are this is. If we lose this, we lose all.


Indeed Art, literature, and music have all portrayed and explored the Romance, or its loss, in myriad scenes, images, sounds, and charectors,that nonetheless speak to us out of the same story. The universality of the story is the reason Shakespeare's plays, even thought they speak to us from pastoral setting in England acroos 400 hundred years of time, speak so eloquently and faithfully that they are stillperformed on stages from Tokyo to New York City.
It is as if someone has left us with haunting in our inner heart stories that will not go away; nor will it allow itself to be captured and ordered. The Romance comes and goes as it wills. And so we are haunted by it.

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Sometimes people will never get me. I guess that's something i need to accept. Maybe that's what God is trying to teach me. Who is my master the people in my life or Him. I think that's it. I work so hard at times to just feel like people somewhat get me. Maybe just maybe this is God saying..heather i got you. I have you, your mine. I know where God wants me, and i know what He wants me to do. He is my master, and i WILL follow HIM. I struggle with wanting people to take me serious, to care about what i say, sometimes all i need is to hear someone say they are proud of me, and i think God is teaching me that He is proud of me, it doesn;t matter how many people think that my heart might not be right. God knows my heart. He is my head and my authority. He has provided so much so far, why would i wander from His path to follow men? I won't. I know my shepherd's call, i have heard from Him, and He is who i will follow.I leave you with this verse.

Galatians 1:10
10Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

So glad

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Lots of things piling up on me, and me being a woman and being emotional i was getting frustrated. Frustrated that there always seems to be a catch to things, or so it appears to others. There always has to be the process of beating around the bush, the process of determining if something is "God's Will?" I just don't get why everything is a process. Why can't it just be this is it and that's it? That's what i like..realness, not big words that mean nothing to me, or rehearsed speeches. Just call it like you see it. That's what Christ did, if we're little Christs or 'christians" why is it that we feel the need to sugar coat things? Ughhh! Ok i'm done with my rant.


I found out last night that two of the guys i grew up with were shot. One of them is dead, the other is in icu in boston. More gang violence taking the lives of kids. This stuff really gets to me. They were both young men who were very smart, they just used their intelligence to enhance the drug trade rather then their education. It hurts me to hear of so many kids getting caught up in this lifestyle, not because i look at them as someone who hasn't been there. I have been there, and i've come out the other side. I was talking to one of my boys last night, that i use to hang out with alot. We use to hang on the block, ride for each other and be real with one another. He's still caught up in the game. Live by the gun die by the gun. It breaks my heart to know that these guys, have no hope. I didn't know what to say to him. I've been out of that lifestyle for so long that sometimes i forget that this is their only hope and their only reality.

Me being a born again christian was brought up. I kind of froze because i wasn't sure what to say to this young man who just lost one of His best friends, and could quite possibly be loosing another very soon, if kercheif doesn't make it out of icu. I told Him there's a better life out there, that I'm living it, and He told me you don't understand u were a gurl in our hood. Nobody messed with you like the messed with us. We either carry or we die. He's tried to get out of the life, but once your in, your in. I told Him God is bigger then people, and HE told me he knows that. Because if people had their way He'd already be dead. God is the reason He's made it to 22. I'm scared for them, and i pray for them. But that's about all i can do.

I didn't sleep much last night after my convo with him. I prayed, I read, but nothing was easing the hurt that i felt for the families, and their friends. I have known these young men since they were in jr high, the ones that got shot, my brother chad knew them real well. My heart aches for new bedford, for it's youth, for all youth. I hope Christ comes back soon. Or that He at least puts an end to this no snitching policy, before more of the guys ive grown up with end up dead. The kids wake isn't even safe to go to, because there's always a chance of retaliation. It's just sad..real sad. I still can't believe boodha and kerchief got shot..i can't believe hood gossip is saying they had to do with stuff that went down on new years eve. Why does this keep happening and when is all this hate going to end?

I'm glad that God has brought me out of the lifestyle that has claimed the lives of so many of the people i've grown up with. I'm glad that He has given me a new life, but i still have a burden for the kids, who think life is all about getting money. I cry for them and i hurt for them, as well as their families.

Do we truly Drink?!?!

You can lead a deer to water but you can't make it drink.. everyone knows this saying, and it seems so cliche', but you'd be surprised how much it applies to our walk with Christ.

People can teach you about Jesus, but until you take that drink and taste of His goodness, your just a deer chillin by a lake.


Something so profound that we overlook that is right in front of us. Going to church doesn't make you a follower of Christ. Being nice to people doesn't make you a follower of Christ. Following Him in all he calls you to do, trusting Him in all things, and loving Him above yourself, that makes you a folower of Christ. What does a follower do?? He follows. I wonder if people who label themselves christian understand the weight of giving yourself that label. Christian means little Christ, or to be like Christ. How often can you or i really say we are worthy of refering to ourselves as little christs. I'm not worthy of that title. I screw up ALL the time. Alot of the time we come to church on Sunday thinking we have fulfilled our christian duties, and we go to bible study because well, people might talk if we don't. What does tha say about your devotion to Christ? That it is based on how good He will make you look to other people What does that say about your thirst? I have come to realize recently, that Christ = life, all other things =death. I know that is a strong statement to declare, especially for me to declare. But it has become my reality. Wth so many people around me questioning everything i do, and who i talk to, or with whom i spend my time, i have realized that i am not capable of making everyone i my life hapy with the choices i make. There will always be people who second guess my heart, there will always be people who look down at me. But my life is not based and can not be based on what these people think of me. What Christ thinks is what matters most. If i am living a life that is of worship to Him every day. If i can thank Him for each thing He teaches me everday, and i can do al i can to know Him more and more each day, then that is all my life needs to be about.

Going to church is an amazing thing, provided you are going for the right reasons. i love church, i love worshiping God with other believers. I love when God speaks directly to my heart through what is being preached. But if we are just going to church and then coming home, and doing nothing with what we have learned or been taught that is a very big problem. If someone is starving we are told to feed them. Yet there are so many people who are starving for truth, for reality and for hope, and yet we keep our pretty little mouths shut, until the "perfect time" to tell someone about Christ. Thats crap people. Real crap because as scripture says we do not know the time or the hour. Now is the time, our hope that we have within us, is something urgent, it's not something that can wait till tomorrow. We are told to always be prepared to be able to give an account for the hope that is within us. Always..that's the word i want to concentrate on. Always doesn'tmean when it's conveinent, always does not mean, when you have the time, always means all the time. Your life is not on your schedule, it's on God's schedule.

If we are truly drinking in God's goodness, why are we being so greedy so as not to share that with others? Jesus says if ANYONE is thirty let him come unto me and drink. That doesn't mean the people that you believe should hear the good news. It is for anyone who wants it. If the church doesn't even want it, how can we expect, others to want it? If people can't look at our lives and say wow, so and so, is always talking about this God that they serve, or if others even within the body can't see our desire to know God more how are be going to be building each other up? If we don't have hope within us, except that we are good church going people how are we going to help those who feel hopeless and broken? I'm not only writing this for others but for myself as well, because i have had to take a good hard look at myself lately. I am asking myself these same questions, and my desire is to be someone who not only talks about Christ, but lives Christ.

Passion Found

"You need to find a passion" I was once told. And so i began to search.


So started out a journey i wasn't sure i was ready to embark on. A journey that was exciting and terrifying at the same time. I love being a part of peoples lives, i knew that much. And i like feeling like i am needed. I like to write, but it's not my life. So what is a passion..i don't know how many times i bugged people trying to get them to explain what that really means, or what it would mean in my life. And so i prayed about it, and i prayed and i prayed and then i prayed some more. I asked the people in my life who i trusted to help me on my quest, and asked contionously how they saw me and what they percieved my passion is. And the whole time it was right in front of me. I have a passion for loving people. For looking at things not as how others should see them, but how i would see them if i was in the shoes of the other person. I remembered my hurts, my lonliness, my heartbreaking memories of childhood, and there is where i have found my passion, for brokeness. I want to help the people who feel like there's is no more hope left. The people who wake up in the morning wishing they were ead. The people who have been hurt and burned so bad by people that they feel they will never redeem themselves to anyone.
I want to be able to share the hope i have been given while at the same time reminding the broken that through Christ they are no longer damaged goods. But priceless jewels. Like a diamond hidden in the rough, God can make something amazing out of their lives, if they let Him. This is my passion. To love, to care, to assist, and to show the way through the rain, and directly to the cross. I know what it's like to be hurt by people, to feel like people will always look at me and see a fool, rather then a woman of God. But my identity does not lie in people but in Jesus Christ. All the time i had been searching it was right in front of me. As much as it hurt for someone to tell me i had to find my passion, and that i needed a life of " my own", am grateful for it. Because i no longer need to find a place to belong, because i know exactly where i need to be.

My prayer is this:


1 Corinthians 9:21-23 (New International Version)
21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

Blessed

Do you know what it's like to see your whole world crash around you, in front of everyone, and there is nothing you can do to change what has happened? Because of the circumstances people now have this picture or idea of who they think you are, when in reality they have no clue what's happening in your head or in your heart. That's how i've felt recently. Alot of people see me as this goofball who is 25 and acts like she is 10. They see me as someone who has all these crazy ideas that never seem to happen, or that i follow through with. I know that's how hey percieve me, and sometimes rightly so. But there is a side of me that alot of people don't take the time to know. The side of me that has been through soo much, and has been hurt and affected by the circumstances of life and reality more then most people know. Their is a side of me that loves to pray with people, that loves to encourage people, that loves to love. I screw up as much as the next guy, or well, probably more. And i struggle. I struggle alot. I struggle with things that hurt me deeper then most would care to know and with things that affect me every single day. But i have a hope. Not a hope to try harder, but a hope in someone greater then i cold ever be. When i stumble He catches me when i fall He picks me back up, and when i cry He holds me. I struggle with waking up each day and choosing to follow God rather then my own emotions and desires. Because life would be so much more pleasant for me if i just lived for myself. But God has me here for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to swallow that God's plan is geater then my own, sometimes i struggle with my own idols i have in my life. But i know that God is bigger the my struggles and bigger then my hurt and bigger then the people who continously hurt me. He is bigger thenmy shortcomings and my mistakes. And He has blessed me in so may ways. Though there are many people who have only seen me at my worst, God has put other people in my life who do you me. And i am very blessed to have that. I have some of the most amazing friends, who know my struggles and know my shortcomings and love me despite them. They pray with me, laugh with me and at times cry with me to. Our friendships aren't based on superficial friendlyness, but on Jesus Christ. On how HE says to love one another, on His Truth, and with Him as the head. Many people aren't blessed enough to have these kinds of friends, and i am grateful for God placing them in my life. I love you guys more then anything. And i am always here for you guys...m.b., t.d., b.g.,you guys are amazing! Thank you for taking the time to see me.

To Him Be ALL the Glory

So here's my newest poem, I hope ya'll like it.


To Him Be ALL the Glory
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To Him be All the Glory
That is what i want the title to be of my life, my story
For others to hear this amazing tale
Of how My Savior fixed a loser destined to fail

A homeless bum, living on the street
But God saw something other then defeat
He saw someone that could certaintly be used
To bring His healing, to the broken and abused

I am nothing, He is ALL
Because only HE can restore me each time i fall
He knows where i'm strong and where i am weak
But despite my helplessness, He planned a future that wasn't bleak

My life is no longer all about me
Christ is what i want others to see
In my pain and in my strife
I want others to see, He controls my life

To Him be ALL the glory
For HE took a useless bum and created and Amazing story
A changed life, a miracle for real
Brokens dreams, beginning to heal.

A shattered life a battered dream,
Built up frustration, wanting to scream
But HE foreknew, His marvelous plan
To make me right with Him, through a man.

Not just any man, but His One and Only Son
Jesus Christ, My Savior, My God, the only one.
A life changed, a miracle recieved
A new Spirit i was given, the minute i believed.

So to Him be All the Glory given
Because He is the only reason, i'm still living.
So for my life, and for my story,
I give My Lord, ALL of the Glory.

Once again I am challenged

Wow has God been speaking to me lately about so many things. Especially though the sermons at church. Today larry taught on 1 peter 1:1-25. That's alot of verse and normally my mind would be zoning after the first few sentences, but he has been so on point lately it's been nuts. Or maybe i have just been listening more intently. Whatever it is, it's getting to me. The first thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was the scripture. Obviously, scripture is suppose to speak to your heart, but i felt like it was on loudspeaker to me. Verses 6- 9 were talking about going through hardships and troubles ut it also reminds you that it is only for a time. It then goes on to talk about why these hardships are occuring, and it is to prove your faith is the real thing. I feel like i have never read these verses and that it was like God telling me directly, heather, i know that your faith is the real thing. Because i have had many "good" reasons to walk away from the church. And i'm sure if i sat here and thought about it i could come up with a million more reasons. But i haven't walked away, as easy as other people sometimes have made it easy for me to do so. Then to top it off it talks about how when your faith still remians strong it will be glory to God. SoOOO amazing. I felt as though it was totally God encouraging me to keep going, to keep trusting Him and not to let others discourage me in doing so. It's so easy to want to give up when the fire seems to hot, when it seems as though your being scarred and scorched rather then healed and renewed. But when we come out of the fire, we are refined, and more beautiful then we could ever have been without going through it. God truly blessed me this morning, through larry. Then as larry went on in his teaching he was talking about how we are to love each other, as Christ loved us. And me, i'm all about the love factor. I love feeling loved, seeing smiles on the faces of people in my life, who are happy to see me, but how often am i happy to give love. I mean not when it's easy but when it's hard? When someone has just totally crushed my joy, how easy is it for me to run up to them and tell them i love them? It's not easy for me. It's so much easier for me to back off and be like you hurt me, you don't deserve to be a part of my life. It's so much easier to stop calling people because they don't always call me back, its much easier to completely avoid and ignore the people who have hurt me. But as i took self inventory of myself today, i realized something hard to swallow, i'm not very loving at all. And if Christ is love, and i claim to love Him and yet i can't be loving to my brothers and sisters, then i need to get with the program and ask God to teach me to love the very ones who tear me down most. And so.. Here i am, broken over my own sin.. Lord, please..teach me to love them, and to be able to show them that i love them. So not only was church challenging but it was also greatly convicting. Wow...

The church...issue

As i sat in communion this lovely sunday morning I came to realize something i hadn't realized before. The church is very much like the jews who crucified Jesus. You see Jesus was the new guy, He came in and wanted to start changing things, like the traditons, the comfy cozyiness, the cliqueness, and wanted to start including people who well..might corrupt everyone else. You know..the sinners. And the jews..they just did not want people like that around. They were too dangerous, and unclean, and just un holy. Problem is that we sometimes act like those very jews who thought Jesus was demon possessed. Sure we don't come out and say it. But our actions...man they're a dead giveaway. We don't like it when someone comes into our comfy little church and tries to change things. We don''t like it when people come into our lives that just see right through our crap, and lay it out for us. We don't like it when they mess with our schedule, our way of doing things. Or expect that we do more for those who are less fortunate. We like to be comfortable people. Do things this way, and treating people that way. How dare someone come in and expect them same inheritance as us, we've been here all of our lives?!?!?!? And then there was Jesus. Jesus.. who ate with sinners. Jesus who was in a hurry to go heal someone, yet stopped to heal a woman who had been hemorraging. Jesus who saw right through the rich young ruler, when asked what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus, who told the whole synagogue that people were trying to kill Him. Jesus..who calls us to love others as He has loved us. My question is..are we really living that out? Or are we too busy, too scheduled, too caught up on how we might be corrupted, to content with how comfortable we are to just like the jews, right Jesus off? What is more important to you, to your family to your friends? your comfortableness, ur schedules, ur safey net, or being the follower of Christ who lives out what they claim to believe. Actions speak louder then words. And if our words are saying one thing and our actions are saying another, then people have every right to call us hypocrites, because we are. How can we say we love God and yet hate our brother. We can't have two masters. It's one way or another. Or so i believe i have read in the bible that we are quick to point out to others is the Word of God.

A new year

A new year a new beginning, a time to renew
My hopes and my dreams, to give control back to you.
Attemptin to hold on, yet falling apart
Feeling hopeless as people break my heart.

Wanting to be loved, yet feeling pushed away
Holding on with everything i have, not wanting to stray.
The pain inside, now making itself known
Yet i rejoice in how in Christ i have grown.

I feel the pull from who i use to be
Wanting to once again make life all about me.
I want to get better, no more sleepless nights
No more arguements and no more fights.

A brand new year, to start again
Looking to be a servant, a true friend
A year to depend on God, to pull me through
A new outlook, to be selfless in the things i do.