The ramblings of a Trombly

The past couple of times i have spent alot of time thinking about my family, and thinking about all of the things we have gone through and overcome, and i am mesmirized by the fact that we are all still standing. We all have our issues, but if there is anything we all have, it's our sense of humor. From the older kids to my nieces and nephews there is one common thread among all of us, it is we have had to have a sense of humor. Things fall apart, we all struggle, we have physical ailments, but we are a strong and close family in many ways. Yeah we fight, some of us don't talk to each other, but without doubt, we all love one another in some twisted sense of the word. I look at my nieces and i see a younger generation coming up, about to face some of the hard realities of life. I'm not scared for them, because i know they will be okay. They are very strong young women. If people think im determined, and strong willed, wait until they meet my wonderful nieces.

Everyone knows how much i love my family. I don't even have to tell people that i love them i know it is obvious. We have persevered through alot. And there have been times i have been unsure of how much they have really loved me. I don't worry about that anymore. Because they are amazing. I have been becoming closer and closer to my older sister recently. And I am very blessed to have her. She understands, it is understood. I don't have to say if you would have met my mother..she knows, my sister endured worse then i did. I don't have to say if you met my dad, she was right there taking care of him along with me. It's a blessing to have someone who just knows. It's a blessing to have someone who Knows.

And i guess that's kinda where i'm at with God. He and I have been fighting for some time now. I have been confused and stressed and really mad that i have these stupid labels on me, as if those labels define me. A lot of people have spent alot of time trying to label my family, trying to label me, and alot of those labels were wrong. They were people who didn't know anything else except labels. We as a family and individually have crushed labels, and yet people would like to add more to us. The label survivor usually follows in a description of me or my sisters. We are just us, we did what we had to do. Backing down, was not an option for us. Yet, God says we are to have labels. We are to be labeled as loving.."for they will know us by our love", we are to be known as forgiving, we are to be known by how willing we are to sacrifice for others. Labels. I don't know how to be those things, completely as God would have me to be. But i see something in my family that does resemble that. In some ways anyway. I don't hold a grudge on my parents. For the mistakes they made, they did what they knew. Most of my siblings feel the same way, though us girls seem to have lived in a different galaxy at home with my parents then the boys did. I see a love that pours out of my family for others, more love then is usually reciprocated. More love then people can sometimes handle. But when you desire more then anything to love and to recieve love it shocks people. When you have been taught to hate and you reject it and instead you choose to love you see all of those things meant for harm turn for good.

We have been through alot, so we understand alot. It's funny that both of my sisters host exchange students from other countries. It's funny that they willing go out of their way to look out for others, and to love and nurture kids that aren't theirs. Of all the labels that were thrown upon us, that one, was never given to us, we're suppose to be bitter angry people according to the labels thrown upon us. But i guess that's what is different about us. We have right to be bitter, but instead we have chosen unconciously to be loving. All of my family believes in God, my sister refers to Jesus often even, but they don't agree with organized religion. I can't say that i blame them. Because sometimes religion is used in some horrible ways. It can be used for control, for selfish ambitions. But it can also be used in great ways as well. I wonder is this a form of christianity ? Because i have seen my family living out my sisters anyway living out most christian principles better then people i see going to church every week.

I mean how often do you, do i really go out of our way to take someone in thats not family? I mean that might..interefere with "our family". Or how many times do we really listen to what people are saying when they are talking to us? Do we see the needs of others, and meet them because we want to, or because we have to, because God looks at our hearts, our motives. How often do we really care about people who aren't in our little cicles? I mean we write letters to kids in other countries, but would you be willing to let that child come and live with you? Would you be willing to do more then write a letter or put some toys in a box? Because God says that those believers in other countries are our family. Or is family just an exclusive group of people your with on a daily basis? My family challenges me. Sometimes more then other believers do, not because they're stuffing bible verses down my throat , but because they are living it. There's ust something that we miss, when we are doing things out of obligation rather then because we want to.

God and i still have a lot of things to smooth out, but there is alot that is being taught to me. He is hard to understand, my life in general and what He has let occur is hard to digest. Because it's hard and painful, it's hard to want to serve a God who keeps allowing such exhausting situations occur. But He is God, and bigger then me. Soo yeah......

Labeled Survivor

Labeled Survivor

Heather Jo Trombly 8/27/08
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Labeled a survivor, but what's it mean to survive
I feel mostly dead, maybe a little alive
I had no choice, what was i suppose to do
Run and hide, scared of all i knew?

I didn't choose to survive, that's all I've ever known.
To be an adult, before i was even grown.
I couldn't run with my tail between my legs, No, I
Could not, should not, Would not believe that lie.

You say I'm a survivor, because i made it through
But to be honest what else could i do?
I had to keep going, avoiding the temptation to look back
I endured because i had to, as i felt each smack.

I'm not a survivor, I just forced my way
When people said i couldn't, I didn't let my determination sway
They said I'd fail, I'd be the next one dead
But i had different plans instead.

I would make it through,
Even though they didn't think it'd be true.
I kept going, taking care of me
Being everything they said i couldn't be.

Statistics said i should have ten kids or spending my life in jail.
But i kept on going, afraid to fail..
I saw hate first hand, and instead i choose to love.
Because I knew it needed to be different if I'd rise above.

So i look at each person as special to my heart
Never desiring to loose them, or to ever depart.
I know the hurts, I have felt intense pain
So i try to protect others, and myself end up going insane.

I try so hard, Because i can't comprehend less
I try so hard to protect other's lives from being a mess.
Because it scares me, that they might not make it through
It scares me, that they may not do what they need to do.

So i take things into my own hands, in love, not control
And i end up creating a mess and am left with this hole
Left hurt in the ruins, of something once strong
Because i wanted to make things work, yet they went more wrong.

So once again i keep going, trying not to look back
It would hurt less to be getting smack after smack.
No excuses, this is me raw and real
I know i need to get better, i need to heal

I need to depend once again in me, not in family and friend
I came into this world alone, and that's how it'll end.
The scars i wear both inside and out
Do not make me a survivior, that's not what I'm about.

I'm about loving people, in good and bad, until my last breathe
I'm about enjoying every minute i have, until my death.
I'm loud, I'm goofy, and at times i can be quiet
I love to laugh, and could probably use a diet.

I hate confrontation, but will come out swinging, if i'm forced to fight
I want to, yearn to, try to do things lovingly, tho it doesn't always happen so right.
I don't want this disorder, this pstd
To be held over my head, because it's my reality.

I know it's there, like everything in my past in doesn't go away
But i will overcome it, despite what other people say.
I don't need a mother to tell me what i need to do
I need a friend who will walk beside me, in the trials i go through.

I need someone to join in my trials to walk by my side
I don't need people to be afraid, cause i'm emotional or i've cried.
Just like surviving isn't what makes me
Neither does a disorder or pstd.


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There has been a lot of things happening in my life lately. Well in the past few months or so. There has been a lot to digest, a lot to try to understand and alot to deal with. As i have learned recently sometimes the very things that can be such a blessing can also be quite a curse. And i want people to realize that as much as my past seems to make people think i'm strong, it does not define who i am, as well as my recent issues don't define me. ...So much to digest...ugh

The Battle ensues

This battle deep within
Is it right, is it wrong, is it really sin?
Questions arising
Conclusions somewhat suprising.

Do I grab hold, or just let go
When what i want is starting to show?
Cast all our cares upon The One
Who redeems us, God's own Son.

But what about when He's silent
When He turns His head from the mean and violent
Yet is quick to point out good things as wrong
When feelings are there, and the bond is strong?

It's a fight, a battle every morning noon and night
But how do i fight against something that i think is alright?
So it is written we are to obey
But I'm tired of living that way.

I need to know for me, not because it is written on a page
Because I feel like i'm in an epic battle on a huge stage
And i don't want to make others stumble and fall
But it seems like not only people, but God is now ignoring my call.

So do i go on about my day
Living my life, doing things my way?
Because ignore status, isn't helping me, not one bit
I'm tired or this battle and i'm ready to quit

There's a strand, a thread, that is holding me
But i can't keep living this way, do you even see
That I am reaching out, trying to grab His Hand
Because more then anything i want to know, to understand.

But i'm getting no where, except the place i've been for years
So where is God, is He listening, or is He ignoring my tears?
I'm crying out for answers, for stability
GOD ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?????????