So it is now Sunday and i have survived my 26th birthday. I have to say that as i took a few moments to look back on the last year of my life, I can see how God has changed my life and who i am. It was kind of ironic and yet baffling to see the where i spent my birthday last year, in providence hitting up the clubs with my cousins, and where i wanted to spend my birthday this year. There were no huge parties, there was a worship night. There was no getting hammered there was a drink with dinner. There was no forgetting all the things that happened, there was moments that i will treasure for the rest of my life with people whom wanted to celebrate my birthday and my life with me, not me trying to convince people that they should come. God brought who He wanted there. There was plenty of laughter, tears of joy and a time to remember one of the biggest things that occurred in my life this year, Honduras.
As i spoke to my family that God has given me this weekend i rejoiced at what God has done, looking forward to what He will be doing in my life this year. I spent my real birthday (friday) with a group of people who truly want to live a life of worship and praise to our Savior. Never in a million years would I have pictured organizing a worship night on my birthday. Yet, that was what i wanted this year, to praise God for Him carrying me through and helping me to build my life on Him the solid rock. We had communion on my birthday, sang songs to our Savior, and thanked Him for His sacrifice for all of us. You see my birthday wasn't about me, it was about My God. And it was truly the best birthday i have ever had.
I am very blessed. Where I lacked a family God gave me brothers and sisters who challenge me, guide me and strengthen me in our God. Where i lack community i have been given the body of Christ. It's amazing to know how much God has done in this last year, in my life. People can look and say wow God has changed you, but when i can look back in amazement and say, Oh My God, look what have you done, that is another thing. For me to be able to look past all the crap that has happened, all the hurt, all the agervation all of the fakeness and be able to say, God is Good. That is another thing. For me, to see it, for me to know without a doubt that God loves me for when so many years i just couldn't see it. I could understand Him loving other people, but i'm just a loser why would He love me? But this past year He has shown me in so many ways that i am worth something, I am worth loving, and i don't deserve anything less then being loved. He has created me, Knitted me together in my mother's womb, yet made me unique in so many ways from others. I am not a punishment to the world, but a being made to bring Glory to God. I don't need to defend myself for my father will defend me. I don't have earthly parents here with me, but i AM NOT AN ORPHAN, I HAVE BEEN ADOPTED.
I wish i could really help people to understand what i see, what i have expierenced, what He has taught and shown me, but words can't even completely express all the things i have learned, seen, and been a part of this year. He has challenged me, stretched me and broke me in places i didn't know existed. And to tell others, is hard because they will never fully be able to know or see what God has brought into the light for me. I can't wait till next year, to see what HE will do....
Isaiah 44:22
"I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud And your sins like a heavy mist Return to Me, for I have redeemed you."
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Silence
Silence...
Last year i never would have said that i enjoyed silence, three months ago i don't believe i would have said it either. But Silence has been the summary of what God has been teaching me lately. It's kind of weird, that i am embracing something so opposite of who i am, But there is a time for all things. While in Honduras God spoke to me about alot of things in my life, through my silence of not having a voice. There was nothing to tune out to, i had no radio, no computer, no distractions. I went to Honduras planning to do so much, to do all these activities, you know to work out my salvation and to show all these people all these things. Instead i had no voice, which meant no words to speak, and only action to take. Alot of emotions came forth due to the lost of my voice. The first day i kind of had a sense of humor about it. Second day i tried to show my faith by saying God will give me back my voice tomorrow, by the third day, i was broken. Broken, hurt, defenseless, and vunerable, vunerable being the worst of all those in my book. Unsure why God had me in another country with no voice, and not be able to be productive as i had planned brought me to a place of vunerability that went deeper then most people can even begin to understand, those who know me well and those who do not, don't know and couldn't know the depths of vunerability i was brought into. I was forced to take a long hard look at my life, where my dependance was and who God made and called me to be, and it was a scary place to be. It meant facing the fears that i have carried within me for a very long time, and as The Sacred Romance puts it( the book i am reading) I had to face my message of the arrows.
Things that i had long avoided discussing, fears that i knew were there, parts of me that i was afraid to give to God, were brought out into the open before me and before God. My walls that i so frequently hide behind, my insecurities that i have carefully hidden and carried with me for years were there in front of me. And God was speaking directly to me about them. While i sat in silence. I'm not going to play you all for fools and say i was openly willing and ready to deal with these things, it was terrifying. Because it really meant being honest about the calling God has given to me. It meant no more running, it meant no playing games, and it meant allowing myself to be torn down only to be built back up by God. Tearing down a building in a way that it can be still built back up is know easy task, ask any construction worker about that. I knew allowing God to tear down those things in my life that i no longer needed to carry wasn't going to be easy. But i knew HE loves me and HIS plan is so greater then mine, and so the process began and is still ongoing. All in Silence. He spoke to my heart about me, and the woman HE created. He has spoken to me about my fears of other's opinions, and He spoke to me about the fear of people's condemnation. He spoke to me of His love and reminded me that before His accusers there was also a time where HE himself remained silent. His silence spoke louder to the people then anything HE could have said while being accused. His actions showed His love, as I learned His actions through me would speak multitudes. There is a time to speak, but there is also a time to be silent. If our lives our always full of distractions and noise, How will we ever learn the importance of silence. What is God speaking to you about in your silence? Does HE need to take away your voice as well, for you to hear Him? Are you willing to let Him tear you down only to build you back up, stronger in Him? Think about these things..
Last year i never would have said that i enjoyed silence, three months ago i don't believe i would have said it either. But Silence has been the summary of what God has been teaching me lately. It's kind of weird, that i am embracing something so opposite of who i am, But there is a time for all things. While in Honduras God spoke to me about alot of things in my life, through my silence of not having a voice. There was nothing to tune out to, i had no radio, no computer, no distractions. I went to Honduras planning to do so much, to do all these activities, you know to work out my salvation and to show all these people all these things. Instead i had no voice, which meant no words to speak, and only action to take. Alot of emotions came forth due to the lost of my voice. The first day i kind of had a sense of humor about it. Second day i tried to show my faith by saying God will give me back my voice tomorrow, by the third day, i was broken. Broken, hurt, defenseless, and vunerable, vunerable being the worst of all those in my book. Unsure why God had me in another country with no voice, and not be able to be productive as i had planned brought me to a place of vunerability that went deeper then most people can even begin to understand, those who know me well and those who do not, don't know and couldn't know the depths of vunerability i was brought into. I was forced to take a long hard look at my life, where my dependance was and who God made and called me to be, and it was a scary place to be. It meant facing the fears that i have carried within me for a very long time, and as The Sacred Romance puts it( the book i am reading) I had to face my message of the arrows.
Things that i had long avoided discussing, fears that i knew were there, parts of me that i was afraid to give to God, were brought out into the open before me and before God. My walls that i so frequently hide behind, my insecurities that i have carefully hidden and carried with me for years were there in front of me. And God was speaking directly to me about them. While i sat in silence. I'm not going to play you all for fools and say i was openly willing and ready to deal with these things, it was terrifying. Because it really meant being honest about the calling God has given to me. It meant no more running, it meant no playing games, and it meant allowing myself to be torn down only to be built back up by God. Tearing down a building in a way that it can be still built back up is know easy task, ask any construction worker about that. I knew allowing God to tear down those things in my life that i no longer needed to carry wasn't going to be easy. But i knew HE loves me and HIS plan is so greater then mine, and so the process began and is still ongoing. All in Silence. He spoke to my heart about me, and the woman HE created. He has spoken to me about my fears of other's opinions, and He spoke to me about the fear of people's condemnation. He spoke to me of His love and reminded me that before His accusers there was also a time where HE himself remained silent. His silence spoke louder to the people then anything HE could have said while being accused. His actions showed His love, as I learned His actions through me would speak multitudes. There is a time to speak, but there is also a time to be silent. If our lives our always full of distractions and noise, How will we ever learn the importance of silence. What is God speaking to you about in your silence? Does HE need to take away your voice as well, for you to hear Him? Are you willing to let Him tear you down only to build you back up, stronger in Him? Think about these things..
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Jinny is gone
Today Jinny died. Today a part of me felt like it died as well. I swore that i wouldn't let myself get to attached. But i did anyway, God had a purpose in me being attached to this woman. She brought a lot of joy into my life, as well as a lot of sleepless nights. But when you looked into her eyes they told a story. A story of a life that was an adventure. Looking through her photo album one day i saw that this little frail woman had indeed lived a life filled with adventure, heartache, excitement joy and pain. Taking care of her for the last 2 years helped me to heal from loosing my daddy. I spent many nights sitting with her and singing her worship songs as i held her hand. Many nights i sat there and cried as she held my hand when i missed my dad. Alot of time people don't understand how devastating alzheimer's disease is. You watch people break down mentally then physically. Last friday as i sat there holding her hand, and using the water swab to wet her mouth like i did with my dad, i cried. I cried for jinny, i cried for my daddy, and i cried for me. I cried for the mistakes i've made, the times where i tried to put up walls to keep people out, and i cried for the way God used this woman to teach me about being vunerable. The end of something is always better then the beginnin or at least that's what ecclesiastes teaches us in chapter 7, but the end is always more painful then the beginning. I watched my dad, waste away in front of me and become a shell of who he use to be. I watched this as well with jinny. I didn't know jinny before she got sick, but i have been with her as her health has declined. We laughed i cried, she screamed, i wanted to scream. But she taught me patience, and perseverance. As much as it hurts for her to now be gone, i told her on friday to tell me dad that i love him, and to tell God that i said thank you, when she sees them. I don't know if she was a believer, but i prayed for her everyday. I feel betrayed by this disease that has stolen away from me two wonderful people. But i know God has a plan in all of this. She lived a long life, much longer then my dad, but it still hurts that she's gone.
And so i will cry again for jinny, and for my dad, but i know even in this pain God is bigger and HE has it under control. HE is my strength in weakness, and i will not pretend to not be upset because God has made me to wear my heart on my sleeve. HE has made me to feel what it feels like to loose someone you love. No walls, no pretending, just a broken girl with a mourning heart.
And so i will cry again for jinny, and for my dad, but i know even in this pain God is bigger and HE has it under control. HE is my strength in weakness, and i will not pretend to not be upset because God has made me to wear my heart on my sleeve. HE has made me to feel what it feels like to loose someone you love. No walls, no pretending, just a broken girl with a mourning heart.
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