Jinny is gone

Today Jinny died. Today a part of me felt like it died as well. I swore that i wouldn't let myself get to attached. But i did anyway, God had a purpose in me being attached to this woman. She brought a lot of joy into my life, as well as a lot of sleepless nights. But when you looked into her eyes they told a story. A story of a life that was an adventure. Looking through her photo album one day i saw that this little frail woman had indeed lived a life filled with adventure, heartache, excitement joy and pain. Taking care of her for the last 2 years helped me to heal from loosing my daddy. I spent many nights sitting with her and singing her worship songs as i held her hand. Many nights i sat there and cried as she held my hand when i missed my dad. Alot of time people don't understand how devastating alzheimer's disease is. You watch people break down mentally then physically. Last friday as i sat there holding her hand, and using the water swab to wet her mouth like i did with my dad, i cried. I cried for jinny, i cried for my daddy, and i cried for me. I cried for the mistakes i've made, the times where i tried to put up walls to keep people out, and i cried for the way God used this woman to teach me about being vunerable. The end of something is always better then the beginnin or at least that's what ecclesiastes teaches us in chapter 7, but the end is always more painful then the beginning. I watched my dad, waste away in front of me and become a shell of who he use to be. I watched this as well with jinny. I didn't know jinny before she got sick, but i have been with her as her health has declined. We laughed i cried, she screamed, i wanted to scream. But she taught me patience, and perseverance. As much as it hurts for her to now be gone, i told her on friday to tell me dad that i love him, and to tell God that i said thank you, when she sees them. I don't know if she was a believer, but i prayed for her everyday. I feel betrayed by this disease that has stolen away from me two wonderful people. But i know God has a plan in all of this. She lived a long life, much longer then my dad, but it still hurts that she's gone.

And so i will cry again for jinny, and for my dad, but i know even in this pain God is bigger and HE has it under control. HE is my strength in weakness, and i will not pretend to not be upset because God has made me to wear my heart on my sleeve. HE has made me to feel what it feels like to loose someone you love. No walls, no pretending, just a broken girl with a mourning heart.