The time has come

The time has come for me to move on from the apartment i have been living in, into a different place, a different stage in my life. As crazy as it seems i am excited yet nervous, yet scared, but all the time i am looking forward to this. I have wanted a room mate for some time now, so like i said it's exciting. Part of me is still kind of sad about moving out of this apartment. I think it's mostly because this place has become my stability, my home. Change is not something that comes all that easy for me God usually has to force me into it. But i have chosen this myself, listening to His voice, and trusting God that HE is going to take care of me like He always does. I'm starting to learn that Change is not always bad, it's actually good for us. Still scary though.

On other things, i went to the emmaus women's study, evergreen or whatever. It was pretty good. I had the opportunity to share a little bit or more so expand on what one of the other women had said. It was interesting to know that someone else has seen things that i have seen, and also been hurt but the same things that have hurt me. I am hopeing that the things that were discussed will change things for future people. As for me, I am already gone. I have already found a body and a home to be used in. And I am blessed to be there. Though i would like to see other bodies grow as well. It hurts that i have left, but i just had to go. I love these people very much. Very very much, and to leave was a hard decision to make, but i needed to be in a place where i could be used and be a blessing to others. It hurt to leave, and to go on about my way, most people don't understand that tho. I only hope that i can continue to still have relationships that are close like they once were with those people. We are all part of the body of Christ. I pray for them, and i love them very very much. Anyways, it's 2:35 in the am, i must go to sleep i have packing to do all day tomorrow.

How does this Always Happen?

I'm starting to think that the reason i don't sleep well at night is because God has given me an " after hours" ministry. Every night pretty much this week i have had friends calling me up late needed someone to talk to. Every night pretty much they have come to pick me up and i have spent time ministering to them till after 1 or 2 in the morning. Yes i know that i need my sleep. But I need to be willing to always be available to be used by God. Besides it's kind of fun.

Tonight for instance i got a phone call informing me that friends were coming to get me. The phone call came about 11pm, and it is now 4:16 am and i just walked in the door. I spent the night with friends riding around pretty much every town in southeastern mass, no jokes. We spoke about God, and about the things that were going on with them. I offered advice, and reassured them people have been praying for them. The night ended with one of the girls asking me how i came to know Christ as Savior, and i was able to share my testimony with a young woman, who has attended church but has walked away. Yet was very curious about my story. It's was a good night. God truly is doing a work. But i can't help but wonder, why He would use someone like me...guess i'll have to ask Him that in heaven one day..

The Lepers of today...

Sunday was an interesting day, i went to church and then i attended an event that in some religious circles i would be crucified for attending. I went to New Bedford's Gay Pride event. I ate, i danced, i laughed, i even hugged, lots and lots of gay men..and women. I had a great time too. But i think some of te most entertaining things were when people asked how i've been and what I've been up to, and i was given a chance to tell them about church, and tell them about honduras. I never once condemned them nor their lifestyle. I shared what God taught me in Honduras, and i even shared some personal things that I am trusting God with. And to be honest i had a wonderful time. I caught up with lots of friends from back in the day, and made a lot of new friends. Alot of people were shocked that me being a christian and all that i would even walk into a place where "their people" are. One girl i met said how come your here, " your people hate or people". I looked at her and told her there is no line between me and them. In fact i love gay people, straight people, church people, atheist people. I love them all.Just as Christ did.

I think alot of times those of us who attend services or meeting get so caught up in our little groups that we forget about the other people out there. We forget that the story of the good samaritan wasn't about someone who was a believer. It was about someone who needed help, now how many people do we walk by on a daily basis that we turn our heads and walk by? How many people are too incoinveint for us to reach out to? How many peoples sins aren't like ours, that we look down upon, because hey, they might corrupt us. The man that was robbed and lying half dead in the road that the samaritan helped would have made the pharisees unclean, because he was bleeding so they left him there, but who was more of a neighbor to the man, who was hurting? Jesus says we are to go and do likewise. How often do we really do that? I'm just curious, cause i miss opportunities every day.

I had a great time with the outsiders, with people who probably won't ever step foot in a church. And you know they challenged me, because they were more welcoming and less judgemental then the body of Christ is to each other.It was deffintely an expierence, and i learned quite a bit. Because as much as people say that homosexuals don't want to hear about Christ, i think it is more we the body of Christ are afraid to bring it to them. I met so many open people, curious people, and it challenged me in ways that i haven't been challenged in some time. I had fun hanging out with our modern day Lepers, they quite loving, and accepting.

Back to the Essence

Friday was our worship service, and let me tell you i could feel the presence of God there. I felt surrounded by His Mercy, His Grace, His Love and His Forgiveness. I could hear Him speaking directly to me, to my heart. And I, I cried out to God in a way of utter dependence upon Him, for strength, perseverance, and for guidance. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know where God will have me to be doing next week never mind next year. All i do know is that I am Nothing without Him. This seems so much of one of those things everyone says to each other in christiandom, but it is now just something that comes out of my mouth. I have seen who I am, when i take my eyes off Christ, and God offers soo much more to me, why would i seek out to fit in within the world, when that's not what i called to do. I am to be in the world, not of the world. I will tell you from expirence it is a very fine line, that easily can be crossed. As i have tripped over it, and at times jumped over it for i took my eyes off the only One who will fill the holes in my heart. I yearn for acceptance, i yearn for belonging, i desire to be a part of something bigger something better then what i was brought up in. I have looked to people to include me, to adopt me, and every time i have been let down, and hurt badly. In some ways the pain of rejection still pierces me deep within daily. But that is something i need to keep giving to Christ. Every hurt, Every tear, Every moment of brokenness i need to present before the throne of my God. The essence of all that I am is to be a living sacrifice to the One who created me. I will fall, i will be hurt, but Christ has defeated satan, why would the task of me having the desire to be part of something bigger be hard for Him to achieve. He has called all of us to something bigger then we could ever imagine.

Alot of times i try to put on a facade. I feel more comfortable looking tough, and never looking vunerable. Because being vunerable means i just might get hurt. But i have come to the realization where i don't need to pretend anymore. I don't need to act like I am indestructable. Because God gave me feelings and God himself had emotions, that He showed, in a healthy way. I am learning many things. God is working within my heart, and I am glad to be back to where God is everything i need in this life.

Back to normalcy, or something like that....

Life has been hectic, crazy, busy, and challenging for me lately as most of you know who read this. Challenges have been set before me, and trials have surfaced. I have questioned a lot of the things that i have learned from Christiandom, and have even i guess somewhat strayed and took my eyes off the most important thing to me, glorifying God. I'm not sure where i started to depend on myself rather then Him, or even when i started to let bitterness control me, but it happened. And once i noticed how far i was it broke me. I love God, but i honestly struggle at times. I know all people have their " dry times" but i think that's an excuse we make up to try to justify what we're doing or how we're living. I'm not going to sit here, and try to bullcrap God, just like i'm not going to try and bullcrap any of you, by saying i have been okay all this time. I haven't. But God spoke to me alot this weekend, A whole lot. He spoke to me about my dependence upon myself, He spoke to me, about the fact that HE doesn't need me, but that i need Him. I saw for myself who i am without God. I saw my sin for the ugliness of what it truly is. But i also saw alot of things. Verses from job convicted me, where God was asking Job did you make this? Did you create that? I now have a heart knowledge that matches up to the head knowledge of the fact that i am nothing without Christ. I forgot what it was like to be on the bottom, rock bottom. I forgot how horrible i am, when i do what i want to do, and take my eyes off Christ. I am soo grateful for grace. I am soo grateful for forgiveness and i am so grateful for the people that i have in my life, who, love me despite how wretched i am.

If only i could explain

I wish i could begin to explain to all that has been going on within me lately, but there is too much to explain. I have been broken yet fixed, i have been apathetic, while also being sympathetic. It's hard to explain to those on the outside who have no idea what it's like to wake up and not be sure what is going to happen to you that day. Whether you will be bouncing off walls, or stay in your apartment with the windows closed and the lights off not answering the phone to anyone. Everyday this is my reality. Not because i choose it to be, but because it is. It scares me, greatly. And as much as i would like to let all of you in on what is going on in my life what truly is the point of doing so, because, you truly won't understand. Everyone seems to have answers for me, but noone knows what it's like to walk in these shoes. And yet there is one whom has been through much greater things then i ever have or ever will go through. Christ understands my ramblings and Christ understands that i am not dwelling on my past, He is where I'm getting my strength to get through day by day. And though in many ways i am questioning many things, I do not question that He is here with me. I do not question that right now He is within me guiding me and strengthening me, and carrying me through. I have learned many things about depending fully on God recently, and every day i am realizing that my salvation and my walk with God is just that, MINE. I know where I'm at and God knows exactly where I am at. HE knows my motives, and HE knows my heart's desires. And that truly is what matters. I know the Word not only knowledge wise, but it is written deep on the tablet of my heart. Though I am far from perfect i know that i am forgiven because Christ has stood in the gap for me, just like He has done for all people. He wants us to be reconciled to Him, and once we are there is no unreconciling us. I am so blessed to know that..Let us stand firm in the Word, The Truth, In CHrist.