The Lepers of today...

Sunday was an interesting day, i went to church and then i attended an event that in some religious circles i would be crucified for attending. I went to New Bedford's Gay Pride event. I ate, i danced, i laughed, i even hugged, lots and lots of gay men..and women. I had a great time too. But i think some of te most entertaining things were when people asked how i've been and what I've been up to, and i was given a chance to tell them about church, and tell them about honduras. I never once condemned them nor their lifestyle. I shared what God taught me in Honduras, and i even shared some personal things that I am trusting God with. And to be honest i had a wonderful time. I caught up with lots of friends from back in the day, and made a lot of new friends. Alot of people were shocked that me being a christian and all that i would even walk into a place where "their people" are. One girl i met said how come your here, " your people hate or people". I looked at her and told her there is no line between me and them. In fact i love gay people, straight people, church people, atheist people. I love them all.Just as Christ did.

I think alot of times those of us who attend services or meeting get so caught up in our little groups that we forget about the other people out there. We forget that the story of the good samaritan wasn't about someone who was a believer. It was about someone who needed help, now how many people do we walk by on a daily basis that we turn our heads and walk by? How many people are too incoinveint for us to reach out to? How many peoples sins aren't like ours, that we look down upon, because hey, they might corrupt us. The man that was robbed and lying half dead in the road that the samaritan helped would have made the pharisees unclean, because he was bleeding so they left him there, but who was more of a neighbor to the man, who was hurting? Jesus says we are to go and do likewise. How often do we really do that? I'm just curious, cause i miss opportunities every day.

I had a great time with the outsiders, with people who probably won't ever step foot in a church. And you know they challenged me, because they were more welcoming and less judgemental then the body of Christ is to each other.It was deffintely an expierence, and i learned quite a bit. Because as much as people say that homosexuals don't want to hear about Christ, i think it is more we the body of Christ are afraid to bring it to them. I met so many open people, curious people, and it challenged me in ways that i haven't been challenged in some time. I had fun hanging out with our modern day Lepers, they quite loving, and accepting.

Back to the Essence

Friday was our worship service, and let me tell you i could feel the presence of God there. I felt surrounded by His Mercy, His Grace, His Love and His Forgiveness. I could hear Him speaking directly to me, to my heart. And I, I cried out to God in a way of utter dependence upon Him, for strength, perseverance, and for guidance. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know where God will have me to be doing next week never mind next year. All i do know is that I am Nothing without Him. This seems so much of one of those things everyone says to each other in christiandom, but it is now just something that comes out of my mouth. I have seen who I am, when i take my eyes off Christ, and God offers soo much more to me, why would i seek out to fit in within the world, when that's not what i called to do. I am to be in the world, not of the world. I will tell you from expirence it is a very fine line, that easily can be crossed. As i have tripped over it, and at times jumped over it for i took my eyes off the only One who will fill the holes in my heart. I yearn for acceptance, i yearn for belonging, i desire to be a part of something bigger something better then what i was brought up in. I have looked to people to include me, to adopt me, and every time i have been let down, and hurt badly. In some ways the pain of rejection still pierces me deep within daily. But that is something i need to keep giving to Christ. Every hurt, Every tear, Every moment of brokenness i need to present before the throne of my God. The essence of all that I am is to be a living sacrifice to the One who created me. I will fall, i will be hurt, but Christ has defeated satan, why would the task of me having the desire to be part of something bigger be hard for Him to achieve. He has called all of us to something bigger then we could ever imagine.

Alot of times i try to put on a facade. I feel more comfortable looking tough, and never looking vunerable. Because being vunerable means i just might get hurt. But i have come to the realization where i don't need to pretend anymore. I don't need to act like I am indestructable. Because God gave me feelings and God himself had emotions, that He showed, in a healthy way. I am learning many things. God is working within my heart, and I am glad to be back to where God is everything i need in this life.

Back to normalcy, or something like that....

Life has been hectic, crazy, busy, and challenging for me lately as most of you know who read this. Challenges have been set before me, and trials have surfaced. I have questioned a lot of the things that i have learned from Christiandom, and have even i guess somewhat strayed and took my eyes off the most important thing to me, glorifying God. I'm not sure where i started to depend on myself rather then Him, or even when i started to let bitterness control me, but it happened. And once i noticed how far i was it broke me. I love God, but i honestly struggle at times. I know all people have their " dry times" but i think that's an excuse we make up to try to justify what we're doing or how we're living. I'm not going to sit here, and try to bullcrap God, just like i'm not going to try and bullcrap any of you, by saying i have been okay all this time. I haven't. But God spoke to me alot this weekend, A whole lot. He spoke to me about my dependence upon myself, He spoke to me, about the fact that HE doesn't need me, but that i need Him. I saw for myself who i am without God. I saw my sin for the ugliness of what it truly is. But i also saw alot of things. Verses from job convicted me, where God was asking Job did you make this? Did you create that? I now have a heart knowledge that matches up to the head knowledge of the fact that i am nothing without Christ. I forgot what it was like to be on the bottom, rock bottom. I forgot how horrible i am, when i do what i want to do, and take my eyes off Christ. I am soo grateful for grace. I am soo grateful for forgiveness and i am so grateful for the people that i have in my life, who, love me despite how wretched i am.

If only i could explain

I wish i could begin to explain to all that has been going on within me lately, but there is too much to explain. I have been broken yet fixed, i have been apathetic, while also being sympathetic. It's hard to explain to those on the outside who have no idea what it's like to wake up and not be sure what is going to happen to you that day. Whether you will be bouncing off walls, or stay in your apartment with the windows closed and the lights off not answering the phone to anyone. Everyday this is my reality. Not because i choose it to be, but because it is. It scares me, greatly. And as much as i would like to let all of you in on what is going on in my life what truly is the point of doing so, because, you truly won't understand. Everyone seems to have answers for me, but noone knows what it's like to walk in these shoes. And yet there is one whom has been through much greater things then i ever have or ever will go through. Christ understands my ramblings and Christ understands that i am not dwelling on my past, He is where I'm getting my strength to get through day by day. And though in many ways i am questioning many things, I do not question that He is here with me. I do not question that right now He is within me guiding me and strengthening me, and carrying me through. I have learned many things about depending fully on God recently, and every day i am realizing that my salvation and my walk with God is just that, MINE. I know where I'm at and God knows exactly where I am at. HE knows my motives, and HE knows my heart's desires. And that truly is what matters. I know the Word not only knowledge wise, but it is written deep on the tablet of my heart. Though I am far from perfect i know that i am forgiven because Christ has stood in the gap for me, just like He has done for all people. He wants us to be reconciled to Him, and once we are there is no unreconciling us. I am so blessed to know that..Let us stand firm in the Word, The Truth, In CHrist.

For all of you who thought i disappeared

I am trying to post more frequently now. I think it's more because i have the time to or more likely, i actually have the desire to write back once again. i am reading a book these days that is truly challenging me, it is called after the heavy rain. It is about a man whose family was killed in the killing fields of cambodia. It is hard to read not because it's not interesting but because it is greatly challenging. This man reunites himself with the brutal murders of the khmer rouge and presents each one with a shirt, a friendship scarf, and a bible telling them that he forgives them. It is truly amazing. It has challenged me greatly with my own personal life. I think everyone would benefit from reading it as we all harbor unforgiveness in one area of our life or another.

Otherwise life has been pretty relaxed for me. God is teaching me and guiding me, stretching me and yet blessing me through it. I have witnessed some pretty amazing things this past week and i look forward toi expirence even more. God is good. Many things are happening and as i reported in an earlier post..God is moving.

God is moving

It's funny how God totally can you take you on an adventure and you not be expecting to meet HIM there and then poof out of nowhere, bang there HE is. I have been praying for the neighborhood for a very long time, since i got saved actually. And who would have thought that God would bring me there last night to see my prayers being answered right in front of me. It was nuts, and yet soo amazing. To see HIM working, and guiding, And ANSWERING MY PRAYERS i have been praying all this time. Every little trial overcome is just another reminder of how HE never leaves us or forsakes us..

It's been a while

It's been probably about a month since i last posted, i been kinda going through things that have truly been hard and eventful to say the least.But God is good even in this. For some time i have been struggling with some very hard to explain things. Not just emotions but so many other things that can not merely be described by emotions. Everyone seems to have their own take on the things that i have been going through. Some advice i have heard is just trust the Lord, or the first questions always asked is how is your walk with God, or you need to see a christian counselor, or so many other things. I appreciate everyone wanting to help me in this way, but my walk with God, is fine. I don't want to see a christian counselor. Mainly because i'm not sure they will listen to me, and what i am saying rather then judge me by their own convictions. I think i have a better chance explaining the things happening to me to someone who isn't biased by christiandom, because to be honest, sometimes it's easier to talk to people who just want to hear you rather then fix you. Right now i need people. I need people to call me because they miss me, i need to feel like i matter..to someone out there. Not because i am writing it in a blog but because it is real. Not because someone wants to take me on as a mission, or someone who needs fixing. I need to be reminded that i matter. Because i feel like if i hadn't had someone call people to tell them i was sick in the hospital no one would have known, because i don't hear from people. Saying to someone i thought of you today, is much different then picking up a phone and saying hey let me pray with you, or let me let you know i was thinkin of you. i try to do that for people, i like making people feel like they matter. I guess that why it hurts me soo much when i don't recieve the same as i enjoy giving to others. This is not a cry for attention by the way, this is me being honest and me being real. This is me saying i need people. I need love. I don't want to guilt anyone to giving a crap, but i am trying to make people see that if i didn't feel like such a burden or be made to feel like a burden i would actually tell people when i'm hurting. I am trying to explain, why i act the way i do, and why no one knew how i was doing. You didn't know because you didn't ask. You didn't know because you didn't want to know. If there is something i want to know i ask..ask, it might actually get you answers. Reading a blog or a post on someone's blog is just taking the effort or work out of actually caring and loving someone. Loving and caring about others isn't easy, it's work, it's sacrifice, it means going out of your way sometimes not because you feel like you have to, but because you want to. If you call me because you feel guilty don't waste your time. If you only have me over to feel better about yourself then i rather not be invited. But if you really do care and you really want to be there, then make the extra effort to call me. You never know how much a phone call can matter to someone who feels lonely. Below is a poem i wrote last night hopefully it gives you a glimpse into me and where i am at... It's called Heather's Psalm



Heather's Psalm
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Do you know what it’s like to sit on a bed, in a place you don’t know
And be expected, to let all of your brokenness and emotions show.
Do you know what it’s like to see things, that torment you, from years past
Praying to God that they won’t, that HE won’t let them last.

Do you know what it’s like to let people in, when you want to run and hide
Being forced to face the things that hurt worst, about which you’ve for hours cried
Do you know how it feels, to hurt yourself, to make yourself bleed
Because your afraid to seem like someone in need.

This is me, the person from which I try run
Because I don’t want to hurt, I want to be happy and fun.
Hidden for years, these are my pains from deep within
Is this because of mine or my parent’s sin?

If you know please tell because I would love to hear
How on earth I can stop being tortured by my mind and my fear.
Welcome to a glimpse into a world of confusion, of highs and lows
Where insecurity and flashbacks seem to continuously flow.

How long till I am somehow, someway, finally free
Free to be happy to live a normal life, to finally love me
How long Oh God, Till you make me well
Because I am tired of waking up in what seems like living hell?

I know You, My God, are capable of healing me, healing my mind
I know that You, Oh God, are the greatest counselor I will ever find.
I know that in all of this, You will somehow be glorified
But Lord, Your Strength, Power, and Healing is something I’ve never denied.

I need You to carry me, because I can’t do this alone
I need You, Lord, to be closer then the person on the other end of the phone.
I need You, every hour, every single day
Because You are my life support, in every way.