Holding on

Wow, as i sit here thinking about what life has entailed for me in the last six months I am thrown by all that has happened/ occurred. I have obtained things i believed were unattainable, as well as faced some of the hardest things from my past. All of which have been freeing and deathly scary. But it has been good. This ride i have taken the journey i have embarked on has stretched molded, and grounded me further and deeper into what i believe and where i stand on hard subjects, such as drinking, homosexuality, fear, mental health, and mqany others things. Each thing i have encountered and struggled through, chasin God, and His will and His plan, yet understanding also the struggles of others, has been worth every step that i have taken. I had to make hard choices, and even harder have had to stick by those choices. People have been hurt by my decisions, some even offended, but i know that i have needed to make them, though many have hurt me as well.

Amongst the things i have had to let go of has been drinking. As most people know this has been a long and hard battle for me. I enjoy having a drink, but what may sometimes seem as one harmless drink has led to harmful nights down the road. It has been six weeks since i last had a drink, beer margarita, anything. It's been freeing to be completely honest, but scary as some points. I didn't have withdrawals or anything from it. The scary part was seeing the toll it took upon my life. I made choices and decisions that were not at all very intelligent. I hurt my friends, and myself. So i have now embarked once again on to my path in life with a mindset of staying away from drinking. I have started down this road, many times before, and i have left this road many times before. I am learning growing and hopefully maturing, and i knew i needed to let go. Sometimes the things we hold on to the tightest are the things we seems to find our indentities in. When we let go we fear what people may say or think of us. I'm not afraid anymore, i'mover it, the fear anyway. I am not weak because i don't drink i am stronger for knowing that it isn't the healthiest of things for me to be doing right now. Anyway, that's not even the tip of the iceberg, but it is what i felt like writing, may you have a wonderful day, letting go of you, and grabbing a hold of HIM.

Life as we know it

How many times do we take life for granted? I find myself over and over reminding myself not to do that, yet i always find myself once again doing just that. Until something comes along that knocks me on my behind and sends shock waves through my inner being. I have expierenced loss and death quite a bit in my life, and have felt brokeness and i have also felt the sting of death. But nothing i have come to realize is more important then being thankful for the life we have been given. Whether our cup to drink is bitter or sweet, it is our cup, and the creator, knows what is best for His creation. I am thankful that i have overcome much adversity in my life, and I am thankful for ALL of the people God has placed in my life to help me and guide me along the way. But even more so I am thankful for a God that loves me soomuch that He knows everything about me, good and bad and yet He still loves me. But that also challenges me. Because if we truly believed that God truly loved all of us and much as we tell people then our lives would look very very different. We would love without boundaries, we would care whether it was conveinent or not, we would see the world in all of it's brokeness and not shy away from it, into our little Jesus circles, but we would look for ways to help to teach to reach and to be God's hands and feet. Instead i see many of the christian circles i have been a part of shying away from the world rather then reaching out to it. I don't believe people should be taken on as projects, but i do believe people are to be taken on as family. We all sin we all fall short, maybe if we stopped pretending to have all the answers for the lives of the lost and just loved them where they were at they would want to know why we love them, and we would be given the opportunity to share the love of Christ. We don't have all the answers but we know the One who does. We don't need to pretend to have a holier than thou life. Because that is exactly what turns people off to christianity. They see people who look perfect act perfect talk perfect, and they then in return believe they have to be perfect. That is totally opposite of the God i know. He rescues sinners, just because we know Him as savior doesn't mean we are no longer sinners. We need Christ every day yo be working in our lives. So therefore we need to be honest and real with people, so that they may see God's work in us, and through us. So that they may not see us as doing the work but as God doing it. To Him be all the glory, for my life and for my story. Mat we live our lives as a living honest testimony to a God that is working and changing us every day.

Struck down but Not Destroyed

I was wicked wicked sick today. A migraine that was the mother and father of all migraines came upon me, so i spent the entire day in darkness snuggling with a bucket to catch all of the nastiness that my belly decided to project out of it. I can usually handle throwing up but today, we'll just say, was a not so good day. Yesterday on the pother hand was amazing yet also saddening.

Yesterday i went to a family cookout for my uncle everett, which i gotta say was alot more fun then they usually are. I had a great time. I did get bad news though. My aunt's best friend died on saturday, and i found out when i got to the cookout. This woman was a very big part of my life, and meant a lot to me. Not because she was my aunt's best friend but because her and i had a relationship dynamic that was totally seperate of my aunt's and mine. This woman Virginia, was one of the women from neighborhood who was always encouraging me, and always supportive of me. Se never looked down on me, but always encouraged me and gave me a lot of advice. I had the uptmost respect for this woman and she is actually the reason why i decided to actually try to reconnect with my family again. She knew the trouble i went through with my brothers, my mom and all the stuff that happened to me. She knew my faults, yet never once looked down on me or told me i was a loser. It's sad that she is gone, and it hurts me to see my aunt hurting. I will no doubt miss her. The funeral and wake are tues and wed. I probably won't make it to the wake, but i will no doubt be at the funeral.
Despite the sad news of virginia's death i had a great time at my family cookout. I usually feel out of place at those things because well, my mom wasn't exactly the one everyone wanted at parties so for a long time, i didn't attend family parties because my mom wasn't usually invited. But this one was different. I got to go swimming in my aunt and uncles pool, and then we played volleyball. Good ole volleyball. Picture this a whole bunch of people, who well, play volleyball quite similar, barely getting it over the net, was pretty amusing. If you've ever seen me play volleyball, multiply that hilarious show by about 15, and then you might be close to imagining what this show was like. Lots of fun and lots of laughs, God truly blessed it. It was a great time, and i look forward to seeing my uncle again tomorrow as well as my sister. God is truly answering sooo many prayers of mine. He is soooo GOOD!

Finally

Woot Woot!!!! I finally have internet once again at home. Do you know how happy that makes me? If your reading this then you probably know how happy i am. So far so good. I really really love living in this apartment. I went t the beach yesterday with the roomie for a little bit to get some "sun therapy" which is basically sitting in the sun for an hour at least with no sun screen. It is apparently really good for the seratonin levels in your brain. As long as i have seratonin i have happiness, once it becomes depleted it is a bad bad thing because that is when a break down occurs. I've been doing a lot of reading and learning on this subject so that i know as much as i can about the condition so i can then decide what exactly is best for me. I've also been doing a lot of learning about web design. I have invested money into getting the books i need in order to learn how to create Web sites. Interestingly enough God has blessed me with the software that i need to do such things for free. Yes my friends i said free. A friend of mine had it and she doesn't use it, so she gave the software to me. So i am now operating and becoming quite familiar with dream weaver as well as fireworks and flash 8. Which are quite expensive programs in case you honestly don't know. I have begun to construct a number of websites, and am beginning to know enough to be able to create pages that look absolutely amazing and that i will at some point be able to use as a portfolio for people to look at if they would like me to build a site for them. It's a lot of fun to be able to use my creativity for a purpose. It's funstuff. My prayer is that God would bless it.

New life, New apartment..

Apparently my last post offended people. I'm still confused as to why because i wasn't particularly mean or rude about anything, just honest about my feelings. I ould have thought i would et crucified for the Gay pride thing i went to, more then my last blog, but i guess you never can really interpret how people will react to a blog that is written about true feelings and true emotions.

True fact 1, I have moved on to another church, not because i think the one i left was filld with horrible terrible people. But because i could not be used there. Unless i signed a piece of paper, which i honestly don't agree with doing. The church I attend is merely just another part of the body of Christ. Therefore me leaving and moving on should not be taken as me divorcing a certain group of people.

True fact 2,
I was hurt,and still am hurt in some ways by particular people. But that does not mean, i dislike them or do not care or love them, in fact the only reason i was hurt by them was because i trusted them very much, and was hurt by their actions, because they mattered so much to me. We all hurt each other and we all make mistakes.

True fact 3,
I wish to see all bodies of Christ to grow and to thrive, by showing each other total unconditional love. We put so many boundaries and set so many things as unholy that, we cut off the people in this world who are truly seeking and want to learn about God, because they don't fit in our box. Next time you question if someone "is really a christian" look at your own heart, are you really a christian? Because your sin is just as bad.

So that is my correcting of other's false perceptions of exactly what i was sayig in my last post. I hope that it was cleared up for all of you. Now on to my new apartment

Most people would think that me moving in with another person would mean that her and i would have to learn to adjust to each other. Can i just say that it has been totally amazing, living in my new place. My roomie's son is awesome, and we now have massive settlers playoffs between one another, which i must say is freakin amazing. Just the fact of living with someone once again and knowing that i'm not alone is such a wonderful feeling for me. It's nice to feel welcome and at home somehwre, and for the first time other then at nate's i feel like i'm home. My room, is coming along great and due to mania lately i have been quite creative and even made the poetic collage on my door, which came out pretty awesome. Not to blow my own horn. Life is good, God is wonderful. and I have been blessed.

The time has come

The time has come for me to move on from the apartment i have been living in, into a different place, a different stage in my life. As crazy as it seems i am excited yet nervous, yet scared, but all the time i am looking forward to this. I have wanted a room mate for some time now, so like i said it's exciting. Part of me is still kind of sad about moving out of this apartment. I think it's mostly because this place has become my stability, my home. Change is not something that comes all that easy for me God usually has to force me into it. But i have chosen this myself, listening to His voice, and trusting God that HE is going to take care of me like He always does. I'm starting to learn that Change is not always bad, it's actually good for us. Still scary though.

On other things, i went to the emmaus women's study, evergreen or whatever. It was pretty good. I had the opportunity to share a little bit or more so expand on what one of the other women had said. It was interesting to know that someone else has seen things that i have seen, and also been hurt but the same things that have hurt me. I am hopeing that the things that were discussed will change things for future people. As for me, I am already gone. I have already found a body and a home to be used in. And I am blessed to be there. Though i would like to see other bodies grow as well. It hurts that i have left, but i just had to go. I love these people very much. Very very much, and to leave was a hard decision to make, but i needed to be in a place where i could be used and be a blessing to others. It hurt to leave, and to go on about my way, most people don't understand that tho. I only hope that i can continue to still have relationships that are close like they once were with those people. We are all part of the body of Christ. I pray for them, and i love them very very much. Anyways, it's 2:35 in the am, i must go to sleep i have packing to do all day tomorrow.

How does this Always Happen?

I'm starting to think that the reason i don't sleep well at night is because God has given me an " after hours" ministry. Every night pretty much this week i have had friends calling me up late needed someone to talk to. Every night pretty much they have come to pick me up and i have spent time ministering to them till after 1 or 2 in the morning. Yes i know that i need my sleep. But I need to be willing to always be available to be used by God. Besides it's kind of fun.

Tonight for instance i got a phone call informing me that friends were coming to get me. The phone call came about 11pm, and it is now 4:16 am and i just walked in the door. I spent the night with friends riding around pretty much every town in southeastern mass, no jokes. We spoke about God, and about the things that were going on with them. I offered advice, and reassured them people have been praying for them. The night ended with one of the girls asking me how i came to know Christ as Savior, and i was able to share my testimony with a young woman, who has attended church but has walked away. Yet was very curious about my story. It's was a good night. God truly is doing a work. But i can't help but wonder, why He would use someone like me...guess i'll have to ask Him that in heaven one day..